The Mind of A Cancer Survivor

I do believe we say, most days truly are good. Most days I feel like the me I have always been. I can go out in public, with zero insecurity about standing out or looking pathetically obvious that cancer has affected me. The Gratitude to be alive, and positive energy thrives inside me and I bebop through life adventures.

There are times, when the Mind cannot be controlled. A place where there is no filter to weed out the bad thoughts. One moment you have an empty mind, blank and idling comfortably in neutral. In the next moment, in the blink of an eye, pops a traumatic memory from some part of the fight you endured. The war is over, yet here you sit. Debilitated from a battle that has already been won.

The problem with the journey to fight cancer, is there is no time to feel your feelings, to work through your emotions and assess each step of the journey. When you are the patient, in the moment being hooked up to machines, there is no time to stop and assess each feeling that comes through your body. Everything happens so fast. The battle is constant, each day fighting to stay alive and to honestly wanting to stay alive. We have no control over the thoughts that come into our mind. They sneak in somehow. Sometimes the thoughts are so debilitating, so traumatic, with memories so real, it’s as if you have been transported back in time. Before you know it, you no longer have control over your body. The effects of the memory takes over, and you become defenseless within your own self.

The only way through is to ride the wave. Center the mind on every piece of oxygen that gives your heart life. Pay attention to every inhale and listen to the sound of the exhale. I often tell myself to breath and talk to my heart with promise to calm down. This, I struggle most with as a cancer survivor. The powerlessness that forever follows you. It’s like a secret monster that stays hidden behind your shadow. It gives no warning upon its arrival, and the only blessing is the promise to yourself that it will pass, and it does. Praise God it does. Riding the wave is no easy task. It comes with no opportunity to prepare, it’s a spontaneous, tiring adventure.

There is hope that life becomes so abundant and the mind so consumed with love and light, that the haunted memories stop having power to stop you dead in your tracks. That the small piece of your past will no longer shift your vibration from high to oh so low, so fast. So we search for the good. We become philanthropists of good vibrations, seekers of light, and share smiles every chance we get.

We keep the mindfuckery of our inner trauma to ourselves. We allow the world only to see the triumph! The truth is there are many failures, many statements related to “I give up, “and “ I don’t want any of this.” So much of the behind the scenes for survivors and fighters has tears, tantrums, and screams of “no. no. no.”

Cancer taught me to have inner strength. Cancer forced me to face my reality alone with God. No one can get me through this. There is no ability to depend on someone else to make everything all better. Cancer makes you fight for your life YOURSELF! No amount of enabling will win the battle. Winning the battle comes from within…the support system is your fuel. Without the fuel, giving up would be easy. With the fuel, we are given the strength to fight another day. We would be empty dried up wells of self-defeat if we did not have our support systems cheering us on. For this cancer survivor, to all of my support system….my friends…I would have given up without you all. Forever I am grateful.

Signed, Survivor