The Deep Feeling – What You Feel

You walk through the streets in your village, maybe in the Big City. You look around you, seeing the buildings, low and high, houses and apartments, schools and companies. You pass them all, and you don’t think about how they look. You don't think about what that takes to build it there; how it has been built. Walking further through the new park - that has been built three months before, to ensure there will be more tourists there.

Suddenly, you are standing still. You see three birds flying around you for a minute. They stand still in front of you, looking with their eyes at you – just as a small child looks at you for having another cookie. ‘What do you want’, you think. But you look at them, you feel something when these birds walk in front of you. What do you feel? You cannot place this feeling.

There is something electric going on in your body. You stay where you are, just a few more minutes, to capture the birds' momentums. It seems that they stop walking when you stop walking, it seems they walk when you walk. Actually, they are just playing together, trying to hunt for their food. You love the interaction of those birds, realizing the simplicity of these species on Earth.

Was there anything in life you have not done in simplicity? Why have you not? Then you realized – with this thought – that you have not thought about what these classmates of yours did to you. They commented on all these comments in the past at school. They were mean, belittled you in all the things you wanted to do in your life, and even slowed down your path to success.

You walk further the path with trees on both the right and left sides. These trees bloom with different colours - you love that about springtime; blooming and growing. That is what you hope for yourself. Also, it reminds you about life and the way you grow or still want to grow. Still, these birds walk with you on the same path. They give you a lovely flute concerto. When you close your eyes - you will imagine yourself as a small child jumping in the air. You fantasize about yourself as a small child on a rocking chair and going back and forth; front to back, giggling as you continue up the path to your girlfriend. This park reminds you how beautiful your life can be and how beautiful your life will be if only you are open to it.

During your walk through the park, you think about the moment when your classmate told you that you have lice. You believed it because you scratched your head a lot, even though your mom checked you every week twice. They hurt you that you didn’t believe in your own skills. Your classmates belittle you. Because of that, you cried at home, in your room, without your parents knowing what was going on. You don’t want them to bother with your personal issues.

At least, I don't want to bother my parents with my personal issues. They had lots of other things on their own mind. Like work, their hobbies, and my siblings. Once, I told them I have been bullied, and they told me: “Your heads up, and continue what you're doing.” I was flabbergasted they don't actually listen to my stories.

This bullying was at primary and secondary school. In primary school, my classmates told me I had lice. Actually, I hadn’t. My mother checked me weekly. Nothing was found each time. One day, it was lice check day at school. A mother checked me too. She told the teacher I have lice, and I was sent home immediately. My mom also checked my hair a day before, as we always did one day before these kinds of days. She didn’t find anything. But that mother told me I had lice, and after I got home, my mom checked me again. Nothing was found. Even, we treated my hair with an aggressive shampoo, especially for the lice. Still, nothing was found.

Later, I heard, she said I had lice because her daughter told her I had lice. The weird thing is, the mother checked me for ten seconds and not the five minutes school told them the check. That is just because she believed her daughter instead of doing her duty properly, the way it should be – from a distance. This bothers me for the future. There is no fact-check. But the fact I had to skip school for most of the day, wasn't fun. The teachers were not so nice to me afterwards.

Walking through nature helps me think about it to place it into my soul – what has been hurt the most of the time.

When you walk through the park, I feel with you, I feel the same when walking through nature. Last Summer I was in Austria, walking through the mountains. I stood there on the high mountain, looking at the view, taking a deep breath, inhaling the air, and capturing the view with my brain. It is just that beautiful. I love nature a lot. I feel one with myself, with the Earth, to recharge for what is coming next.

Then something got my attention. I thought about what most hurt, how you feel, the deep feeling, you can't always get through it, as well as not thinking about anything that might cause the feeling you feel. But this feeling hurts too much. You don’t realize if it is a sad feeling, a bad feeling, or a feeling of happiness.

Have you felt something so much that this feeling hurts you, but this feeling was very intense getting through your heart, and soul? This feeling hits you and it can’t get further than only the top of your soul – you know there is more. Yet, you feel that this feeling stops somewhere through your body or somewhere you can’t feel but you know it is still there deeper. Still, you feel that it just doesn’t end there, that your tunnel continues but can’t reach it?

You have to dig in deeper and deeper, feeling the pain, or the joy you have, very deep and laughing, or crying when you think about that feeling?

When I was in therapy a few years ago, I felt the deep pain I had from events that happened in my life. It felt like two people were pulling a big robe each on a side of my heart and soul, pulling further each side. With my therapist I talked about being bullied, the moments I have been sexually abused and when I have been manipulated and gaslit. That was the moment I realized there is so much more going on in my life than I actually thought it was.

These feelings were so intense, that I felt sad, but also, I felt relieved. I could share this with someone I trust this secret with. Just to tell this to my therapist felt so incredible that I cried at that moment and when I laid in bed that night. This slid off my shoulders. Since then, I cry often, I think about the moments in my life and allow myself to heal.

These feelings are deeply rooted in my heart and soul.

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About the writer

Agnes Laurens is a writer. She writes for the local newspaper. Agnes lives in The Netherlands, with her husband and three daughters. You can find her on Vocal, Medium, Elephant Journal, HubPages, Music List. Writing is — aside from playing the violin — one of her passions since childhood. She is on Twitter and Instagram. You can subscribe to my mailing list, and you can subscribe to my Thoughts. Check out her books. She has an online web store, and she has a merchandise store. If you want to be informed about my online store and my merch, please follow this link.