The Art of Being

It’s been thirty one years and I don’t think I’ve ever known how to be. As a child I was depressed, quiet, and felt invisible. I deeply wanted to be seen, heard, and understood.

I thought I found that when I was eighteen years old going on stage for the next five years. Only to have a dream of being actor. Yet, still as I stood there on stage I never felt like myself. That this was it. I made it seem that way, obsessed over it, and made it feel like it was what I was meant to do. But, there was still an ache in my heart. I wasn’t me.

Then, I met someone and they made me feel loved. They made me feel as though I was their world. I engrossed myself in them. Again, obsession and dreams of being with them forever entered my being. Only for it to be taken from me. That is when I experienced true pain and abandonment.

When I experience this since of ache, pain, abandonment, I became psychotic. I went manic, depressed, anxious, and delusional.

When I realized that I was psychotic. I didn’t even know I was. I was so invested in these ideas of who I was that I became so lost. So suicidal. I thought about killing myself everyday for a year. I was so scared to die but I wanted to.

It was then I realized I truly needed help. I truly needed to find myself, to find who I really was and love that person.

So, I thought I’d start with god. God, as I sat down and uttered his name who am I? Of course it wasn’t that easy. It never is. The delusions in my mind again started to answer. You’re an angel I heard. You’re the best thing ever. Although these were nice things. I said them out loud and it didn’t seem right. I don’t think anyone is an angel especially not me.

So, I decided to go on a book quest since I had no money to go anywhere. I was stuck. I got a Bible and began to read. The voices uttered things like you can’t read, Jesus is Satan, and so on. These delusions, these voices, were who I’d become.

I was scared of who I was, until Doctor Amen and renowned doctor and psychiatrist came out with a book and I read all of it on brain health. He said you are not your thoughts. You don’t have to believe everything you hear.

Tears rolled down my face and I felt relief. So again I asked who am I? I read a book on spirituality and became obsessed with it again. And that is when I realized I had a probelm with just being. Being present day by day. For me, I realized it isn’t about who I am now. It’s about who you want to be going forward. You can be anything you want to be I thought to myself.

But first you must master the art of feeling and sensing reality every single day. So, a favor was asked of me. My sister wanted and needed to go back to work. She asked me to care for her son. I told her I would. I never thought a child would help to stay focused and present in the moment. He doesn’t know it yet but he has saved my life. He has taught me so much. And has made me realize how loving I can be despite my mental health problems.

Although god has not answered me directly with a voice, he has shown me through a child the gift of being alive. That is who I am. I am a light just like my nephew is. I have now realized the gift of being alive is being. Being a light. Showing love. I don’t have to save the world like I once thought. But if I can help one life. Then, I’ll be that light.