Stop Helping Me: When Helping is Disabling

When we see someone struggling it’s almost automatic to want to help out. As a person with a disability I get a lot of people trying to help me. It’s almost always done with a good heart and good intentions. In a lot of cases it is appreciated, however it can also be a hindrance.

Today I want to talk about when helping is actually disabling and why you should stop.

When you have a disability, you often adapt and learn to do things differently. A simple task for others may not be so simple for you, and so you have to get creative! When you have been struggling like crazy to do something and finally figure out how, it feels amazing!!

My first taste of that was when I learned how to hold a coffee cup in one hand and wheel with the other. I felt even more victorious when I managed to move in a straight line and not spill my coffee every time I did it!

Now I don’t even think about it. It’s natural and doesn’t take much time to get from the kitchen to wherever I want to have my drink.

If you didn’t know me too well or had just met me, this might all seem like an unnecessary struggle to you. You have legs and arms that work. It will only take you a second and it’s no trouble at all!

Well…the trouble is that you have just taken away some of my independence that I worked really hard to get.

It’s not just the transportation of coffee cups that is impacted by this. So much of what I do has been a result of me working out how to do it in the first place.

Ask before you help

There’s times where a disabled person will need your help. Some people are good at asking for it, but others may not be. If someone seems to be struggling and you want to help them – ask first. Otherwise your help may in fact be disabling them more.

Simple ways of asking could be:

• Would you like help with that?
• Is there anything I can do to make that easier?
• Let me know if you need any support.
• I’m here if you need anything.
• That looks difficult, are you alright doing that by yourself?

Just because something looks like a struggle to you, doesn’t mean it is.

And even if it is difficult for them, they still may want the dignity and respect to try before being helped.

I remember a time when I was going on a flight and had to get on a special chair to get on the plane. The person positioned the other chair where I asked them to. Without asking, she then proceeded to grab my arm and lift me while I was trying to transfer. She didn’t listen to me telling her to let go.

I fell.

While that person was purely trying to help, they failed to realize that my arms are not just arms, they are my legs too. They had completely taken away my balance and ability to weight-bare.

She didn’t stop there, though. She then went on to try hoist me up from the ground. All while I was telling her “Stop helping me. I can do it myself and your help is actually disabling me!”

What should have been a two second shuffle from one chair to the other became a 5 minute struggle. It also attracted attention from a bunch of other strangers! Completely embarrassing and humiliating.

It all could have been avoided had she just asked if I needed any help.

Ask how you can help

If someone has asked (or has accepted your offer) for help, ask them how they want you to do it. If it’s simple, such as reaching something too high or opening a door, then that situation doesn’t doesn’t need to be explained. But if you are supporting someone in a more hands-on or personal way, ask them how you can help.

Don’t just assume.

Having lived alone for several years, I learned how to do most things myself. However, for the longest time I had struggled trying to put fresh sheets and blankets on my bed but I would never ask for help because I wanted to learn how to do it myself. My bedroom is private and I don’t want just anyone in there!

One day I had a new support worker come in and she asked me “So what do you need my help with exactly?”. After giving her a list she asked “What about your bedroom?”.

I told her about my difficulty with the bed but not wanting anyone in there. She mentioned that she didn’t mind just being told what to help with.

For the next few weeks we would go into my room. I would ask her to lay each sheet on my bed but to let me tuck it in. Then I would ask for help with holding the duvet while I tried to put the cover over it.

Eventually I started being able to do these things by myself. It’s a bit of a workout and takes a pretty long time, but I can now do my bed independently!

Yes, I needed help.

No, I didn’t want to ask for it.

Yes, it’s still difficult.

But the confidence I’ve gained is worth the struggle it takes to make the bed myself!

Why are you helping?

I’ve noticed that sometimes the reason help is disabling is because the persons intentions for doing it are a little off.

Having worked in the disability sector, I’ve spent a lot of time with people who have various disabilities. Everyone has needed help in different degrees or ways. Multiple times I’ve witnessed someone say “no thanks” to being helped. I have then witnessed the person who offered to help start to squirm. They seemed to feel uncomfortable, awkward or even possibly a little useless.

Some of these people just went with those feelings and stood back anyway (or even better, went and did something else). But some tried to get rid of those feelings by helping anyway.

It made me wonder…who is really being helped here? The person with the disability or the person who feels uncomfortable not doing anything?

If your reason for helping is because you feel uncomfortable or helpless then you need to stop helping for a minute and think about what you’re really doing.

It’s never nice to see what looks like someone else struggle and it’s natural to want to help out. Just make sure you are acting on the right feelings and intentions first.

Sometimes not helping is the best help you can provide! By respecting their wishes you have effectively enabled them rather than disabled.

Yes, you may feel uncomfortable seeing what looks like someone struggle – however you may well have just been a part of that person gaining a lot of independence, dignity, confidence and esteem by them accomplishing the task themselves.

If in doubt - please ask!

I am not saying to stop helping because all helping is disabling. Nor am I saying that all people who want to help and feel uncomfortable when they can’t have the wrong intentions. I’m just saying that sometimes helping is disabling and it’s better to stop and ask before jumping in and taking over.

If you are in doubt, just ask if the person would like help. Should they say “no thanks” there is nothing wrong with asking if they are sure, but then leave it at that.

Humans are amazing at adapting and will often find the easiest way to do things. Taking that away from them can be disabling – even if they don’t have a disability! In worst case scenarios, your help could be making them more disabled than they already are.

If you’re disabled and have difficulties with people helping when they shouldn’t, or feel like sometimes people’s help is disabling you, check out my previous post on how the way you explain your disability matters and why.

And if you ever feel the way someone is trying to support you is dangerous, please know that you can literally say “Stop helping me! Your helping is disabling me!!”. It may feel weird to say it but trust me – it will get their attention!

Also, if you experience anxiety around asking for help, or telling people to stop helping you, check out this article here.