Smoke in the Garden

The blueprint of American culture is not a love story but one of triumph, power, domination. The blueprint of American culture is a battlefield of civilians persevering, teachings on how to defeat our opposition, how to reap the justices of conquesting another. It’s a story about egotism, selfishness, greed, control. Based on the historical structures of this story, human relationships suffered from it by becoming transactional; "what can I get out of this?" The philosophy behind equivalent retaliation (re: tit for tat) is bred in the makeup of this country, so much so, it has been carried into the homes. America, so far removed from the idea of love, has led us blindly, having no recollection on how to discover a solid foundation of what love truly means.

We were conditioned to believe in patriarchal visions of the home as the true form of love. Based on the social construct of gender, we were given positions in love, exemplified by structure and order. A man: the ruler and provider of the kingdom, the captain of the ship, the man of reason. In this state of power, he is called to cultivate a world for himself while his counterpart supports this world. A man was the provider of his kingdom while his counterpart, his woman, was the nurturer, attending to the care of said kingdom. The woman: a secondary role in society, of humanity, in love. She was raised to believe her role was to ensure she met the demands of her ruler, catering to the needs and desires of him with subconscious hopes to reap the justices of reciprocal love. White supremacy is the chain reaction to patriarchal structures. As nationalistic Black men attempt to dismantle systemic hindrances inflicted onto the community, they subconsciously adapted to the idea that, in order to achieve a sense of supremacy, they must meet the White man at his level of masculine power which, in lieu of domination, leads to them embodying a patriarchal mindset. Adopting such a mindset results in Black women being subjugated and their integrity diminished. A woman too powerful, too liberated, or too self-assured threatens their ideas of masculinity and dominance, resulting in them developing the idea that Black women need to be groomed, disciplined and tamed. Black men’s obsession with wanting the same patriarchal recognition as the White man plays into their positions on feminism and Black women who speak on feminism. Their goal is not intersectionality with Black women but to obtain supremacy and, in order to obtain some sense of supremacy, it calls them to adopt misogynistic ideals.

The social construct of race was another structure inflicted onto civilians, adding an oppressive layer to a blueprint already based on triumph. So, not only are Black women slapped in the face with patriarchal structures, we are also faced with the racial structures of our image in society stemming from the Jim Crow era. And, in any effort to dismantle such oppressive structures, we’re seen as difficult or a nuisance. In Ain’t I A Woman: Black Women and Feminism, bell hooks states the following:

“White male legalized sexual unions with black women and black male legalized sexual unions with white women threatened the entire foundation of apartheid. Since anti-amalgamation laws were not sufficient deterrents to interracial marriage, white men used psychological warfare to enforce the ideal of white supremacy. They employed two important myths to brainwash all whites against the newly manumitted blacks: the myth of the ‘bad,’ sexually loose black woman and the myth of the black male rapist.”

These systemic social structures would reshape the way newly freed Black people were viewed in society, leading to the socialization of said psychoanalytical myths onto our community and steering us further away from genuine romantic union. hooks also mentioned that “the myth that all black men were rapists had ceased to dominate the consciousness of the American public by the ‘70s'' however, “there had not been any change in negative images of black women.” So, although the Black male myths were dismantled due to the continuation of unjust persecutions, Black women would remain with the internalization that they were all sexually deviant, deeming them unfit for genuine romantic union. So, how can we, as Black women, practice and know love in a society who never intended to give it to us? How can we dismantle colonizing statures and love freely? What is love, really? How can we obtain it or, at the very least, imagine what it looks like?

With extensive empirical studies, I have found the answer begins with acknowledgement. It starts with addressing our powerlessness over the fantasies of pursuing love and the internalization of the notion we, as Black women, had to prove ourselves worthy enough to receive love. Love, a gesture stemming from protection, was stripped from us due to societal stereotypes. If we were too outspoken, if we challenged the notions of patriarchal thinking, if we were too self-sufficient, we were suggested as less “female” and, based on the construct of patriarchy, only feminine energies (categorized as soft and silent) are deserving of such protection. Love: an extraterrestrial matter so foreign that we sacrificed our dignity for it, censored our voices in hopes to get it, emotionally manipulated with nurturance expecting to obtain it, and conformed by withholding our vulnerabilities thinking we’d be rewarded for our submission.

Obtaining love begins at the center and the quest is different for everyone. But, the interconnected process is inward - it’s acknowledging our past circumstances, rolling the archived film and recognizing our teachings of love from the very beginning. Love is about getting acquainted with the deeper parts of our divinity: what makes our bodies feel good, how the feelings of our bodies dictate our emotions and how those emotions influence the mind. Love is about getting centered and acknowledging ourselves with respect and responsibility for our well-being.

Our ancestors navigated this foreign land under stifling circumstances and developed practices as a means to protect and survive. Whether that be downplaying the competence of their children to interfere with them being sold or undermining ourselves to stay close to our families, these practices were embedded in our communal makeup. For so long, Black women have dimmed their light, silenced their voices and disregarded their regal status for they perceived in doing so it would alleviate the stressors of finding a rightful companion. But how can we expect the embrace of love from another entity when we shy away from embracing ourselves? Thus, the work begins in-house and calls us to recognize the transformative power of acceptance, compassion and understanding.

So how do you plan to obtain love and dismantle such a restrictive barrier? How much patience do you have for yourself to embrace all that is you and let go of fake control, allowing love to be divinely orchestrated? And, how can we, as a community, clear the smoke in the garden?

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[This essay is derived from my upcoming chakra book, "who will protect me?" All tips on this story are appreciated!]