Recipes for Avoiding Psychological Disaster

TW: ED

I've often wondered why cuisine exists. Genuinely, from an evolutionary perspective, eating is about necessity. staying alive. Somehow, over time, the consumption of food has become an experience, all about desire. Ask someone on a date- what do you do? Get dinner. What does everyone post on Instagram when travelling? Their dinner. What does nearly every holiday seem to revolve around? Eating dinner. Anyways, the point is, food is a cornerstone of our culture. So what happens when food becomes your enemy? The body begins to find itself violently ill, woefully guilty, and eventually, simply terrified. I hope this is a feeling few can relate to. After eight or so years, I'm finally starting to see food as something that brings me satiety, rather than misery. The sad part, however, is that a combination of bad genes and that damned subconscious association between a full belly and sheer panic have greatly limited my options.

No gluten. No milk. No butter. No meat. No beer. No butter.

No soy sauce. No cheese. No butter. No bread. No traditional Norwegian lefse. Did I mention no butter? (Despite being largely lactose-free, butter is still the bane of my existence.)

Luckily, alternatives exist for most of these things. The words "vegan" and "gluten free" tend to be pretty hit-or-miss. Some people hear "healthy," others hear "chemicals," "fake," or "just plain disgusting." These words, in my vocabulary, mean "safe." Thus, I present, recipes from the world of a woman whose body hates food.

Two ingredient waffles: from my gym-rat days

• 1 scoop chocolate protein powder (any flavor works as long as its pea protein, NOT whey)

• 3 tablespoons liquid egg whites (you can separate them yourself if you're not as lazy as I am)

• Mix well, pour into waffle iron (can also be made as pancakes but be mindful and don't let them burn, unless setting off the smoke alarm for your entire dorm building at 8 am sounds fun to you)

• Top with fruit, peanut butter, or, even better, powdered peanut butter mixed with water (because, like, calories, right?)

In retrospect: Very chewy, dry. Fluffs up just to deflate immediately. Flavor heavily depends on protein powder; choose wisely.

Plantain Pizza Nachos: a 3 am post-eight-tequila-shots snack

• 2-3 handfuls plantain chips, on microwave safe plate (measure with your soul)

• Spoonful pasta sauce, thinly spread upon said plantain chips (can't have the chips getting soggy)

• Handful vegan cheese, shredded, sprinkled on top of resulting mess (again, measure with your soul)

• Microwave for thirty to sixty seconds (mind the cheese, you want it stretchy but not bubbling)

In retrospect: Would never consume sober; kind of hits the spot when intoxicated and starving.

Banh Mi Tacos: from my days as a server, loosely based on my favorite shift meal

• 2-3 white corn tortillas, best if slightly toasted on a frying pan (getting ambitious with this one)

For Faux Pâté-

• Half an avocado (the bigger half)

• About a half cup of cooked edamame (just get a bag from the freezer section and nuke it)

• Few shakes nutritional yeast (a staple in my diet)

• Garlic salt (don't be shy on this one)

• Salt and pepper

• 1/4-1/3 red onion, diced (to the best of your ability) **set about half aside for later

• Combine all ingredients in a blender (depending on blender quality, prepare ears for assault)

Tofu-

• 1/4-1/3 block tofu (just cook the rest to save for later)

• The other half of previously diced red onion

• More nutritional yeast

• More salt and pepper

• Cook in frying pan (oiled or sprayed with Pam) until crispy

For the aioli-

• Half Sriracha, half vegan mayo (keep it simple)

Assembly-

• Spread pâté on tortilla, add tofu, top with shredded carrots, green papaya (if you have or find it), cilantro, and aioli

In retrospect: A lot of work for three small tacos. Will never be as good as the line cooks made it, but close enough. Makes you feel like a badass chef. All jokes aside, give this a try.

World's Simplest Breakfast: from my high school days, aka rock bottom

Nothing.

In retrospect: After being practically force-fed skim milk and froot loops every morning throughout middle school, I'd decided an empty stomach was better than an upset one. Wish I'd at least considered a granola bar.

Greek Salad: one of two things I ate every day when I lived in Athens (the other being fries)

• 1/2 cucumber, thick slices, quartered

• 2-3 roma tomatoes, cubed (I can't lie, I still haven't figured out how to do this part)

• 5-8 olives, black or green, can be sliced (if you don't like olives, you probably haven't been to Greece)

• 1/8-1/6 red onion, thinly sliced, not diced (no real need for fractions, just don't overdo it)

• 1/4 green pepper, thinly sliced

• Optional: vegan feta (pretty essential for a true Greek salad, but vegan food can be expensive and I am broke)

• About a tablespoon of olive oil

• Salt and pepper (do. not. forget. the salt.)

• Mix and enjoy.

In retrospect: Light, refreshing, especially with fresh veggies. Would recommend branching out and trying other foods while travelling (ie- don't eat for every meal). Anxiety-free option for dining out.

"Nice" Cream: from the days of avid pinterest-ing

• 1 banana, frozen and chunked (small amount of forethought required)

• 1/4 cup unsweetened almond milk (less for creamy, more for a smoothie consistency)

• Cinnamon OR cocoa powder OR other frozen fruit (depends on what you're in the mood for)

• 1/4 cup coconut yogurt (optional but recommended)

• Blend until smooth

• Top with crispy rice cereal

In retrospect: Frozen bananas are actually really sweet and have a nice consistency when blended. Reminds me of the days when diet culture had me brainwashed. Still enjoy from time to time.

A Really Pathetic PB&J: Just when you thought I might be sane

• 1 bowl of rice chex (can sub cheerios)

• 1 heaping spoonful of peanut butter (that's about a tablespoon, right?)

• 1 heaping spoonful of jelly (whatever flavor the college cafeteria happens to have on hand)

• Assemble in whatever order (while cursing said college cafeteria for not having gluten-free bread or almond milk thus eliminating "toast" and "cereal" options for breakfast)

• BONUS- Not in the mood for peanut butter? Bring a baggie of protein powder and a water bottle of almond milk to mix with cereal (for a chalky, mushy, high(er) protein start to your day)

In retrospect: It works in a pinch but even your best friends will have serious concerns about your judgement. Consumption not advised, generally speaking.

I've reached a sense of acceptance when it comes to my relationship with food. I've accepted that my diet will never be considered "normal." I've accepted that I'll never be a gourmet food critic. I've accepted that I will have to ask every waiter at every restaurant what exactly is in the sauce that comes with the fries. I've accepted that I will never eat the lefse that my grandmother and aunties taught me to make when I was little. I've accepted that every person I befriend will eventually get the "I don't eat normal food" spiel. It's an exhausting part of my existence that is largely unavoidable.

Would I recommend this way of life? Hell no. Yet, I don't spend much time mourning "real" food. In some ways, all these allergies and anxieties have added some nuanced dimension to my life. For example, people who really, genuinely care about me tend to be quick to ask if I can have this, or if I can eat here. The friends and family who endearingly look out for my digestive system have a special place in my heart. People who are quick to judge, belittle, or tease me are people I have no time or energy for.

Finally, in some pseudo-inspirational and very cliché sense, I've learned to seek out joy in other places. Don't get me wrong, especially after overcoming my fears of calories and sugar, I really do love to eat. In all honesty, the strangest concoctions I've made (and consumed) were meant to be guilt-free more so than pain-free. I’ve left most of those out of my little article here because it’s still a little hard for me to process, let alone talk about. After a great deal of tears, hundreds of dollars spent on stevia, and countless hours in therapy, I don't give a fuck what's in something as long as it won't massacre my small intestine. The rare occasions where I find digestible delicacies are truly meaningful. I nearly teared up the day I walked the streets of Rome with a gluten-free waffle cone and two gargantuan scoops of fruit-based gelato in hand. Vegan and gluten-free fried chicken might make you wrinkle your nose, but to someone who thought they'd never taste such a thing again, it's a goddamn gift.

Still, those little miracles can't be taken for granted. In the space between them, I figured out how to be happy sipping on a Diet Coke while my friends have nachos, goulash, milkshakes, gyros, or bacon-wrapped dates. I know that even a Christmas where my plate consists solely of vegetables is still a meal spent with my family. Not to mention how lucky I am to have food on my plate in general. I don't care if I get to eat cake at my own wedding as long as I get to drink champagne. You take what you can get. You enjoy what you have when you have it and find something else to enjoy when you don't. The most important part is giving yourself permission to do so- to participate in the simple act of enjoying. I so wish I could go back in time and tell my sad, bony seventeen-year old self that it won't always be so hard. I wish I could tell my college-freshmen self to just cancel the stupid meal plan. I wish I could find allergen-free lefse... maybe I will someday. Until then, I'm going to drink my diet coke and eat my tofu tacos. It strikes the ever-elusive balance between necessity and desire.

PS- Recipe for Norwegian Lefse

• 1 pound peeled potatoes

• Boil until soft, drain, and mash

• Mix in 1/4 cup butter (aka the devil itself)

• Add 1/4 cup heavy cream and a little salt, mix until combined

• Refrigerate overnight, covered

• Next day, add about 1 1/4 cups AP flour and mix- no lumps!

• Be patient while kneading into small balls (think cookie-dough sized), cover and let rest

• Turn on griddle to medium-high heat

• Roll out balls, thin as possible, use lots of flour on rolling pin and surface to prevent sticking

• Roll lefse onto rolling pin to gently transfer to griddle

• Flip lefse when bubbles start to form

• Use butter (ew) if lefse sticks to griddle

• When cool, store with paper towels between lefse, in the fridge

• Best served with, you guessed it, butter, and cinnamon & sugar

• Enjoy for me :)