Never Argue — The Most Important Lesson to Learn When Interacting with a Person with Alzheimer’s Disease

Note: This is the 3rd in a series of articles on Alzheimer’s Disease based on my 12 years of experience as an Alzheimer Spouse, Alzheimer’s advocate, speaker, educator, and blogger for the website I developed and managed — www.thealzheimerspouse.com. Because Alzheimer’s Disease is complex and caregiving for a loved one with the disease requires so much education, I am breaking up my articles into small segments. This one deals with how to de-escalate arguments.

“But I TOLD you that YOU ARE HOME. This is your home. See…..here’s your favorite chair. Here’s your coffee mug with your name on it. You are home”. You explain this logic to your Alzheimer’s Diseased husband for what seems to you to be the 100th time that day.

“No, no, no”, he cries. “I want to go home.”

You begin to get angry and continue arguing with him, showing him familiar objects, trying to reason with him that he has lived in this house with you for 30 years.

After an hour of this futility, you are both frazzled, angry, and exhausted. Your husband is inconsolable, and you are out of options. You have no idea what to do.

To any Alzheimer’s caregiver, this is a familiar scene, but one I can assure you is unnecessary and avoidable with the proper caregiver education.

The #1 Rule of interacting with a Person with Alzheimer’s Disease is DON’T ARGUE WITH THEM. It is also the most difficult rule to follow because it is human nature to want to state your logical points to win an argument. Except someone with Alzheimer’s Disease is unable to follow logical rules because:

1. It’s brain damage, folks. The reasoning button in their brain is broken and cannot be fixed. You had better learn this and accept it or you’re going to be in for years of unnecessary stress. (Take it from one who was a VERY slow learner, and on the verge of a nervous breakdown before I finally “got it”.)

2. It’s brain damage, folks. Their memory is gone, so even if they accepted what you were telling them, they would forget it the next day or hour, or minute.

Before I go on to the next step, which is teaching you what to do instead of arguing, I’d like you to put yourself in their place for a moment. Imagine what it would be to have blank spaces in your mind where thoughts and ideas used to reside. You try to think and nothing comes up. No ideas; no memories; no thoughts. Nothing. Your mind is a blank slate. Can you imagine how frightening that would be?

You look around and nothing looks familiar. Not your surroundings. Not the objects on tables. Strangers are yelling at you; insisting on telling you things you don’t understand.

You are scared. You put your hands over your ears and scream, then cry. You want them to stop yelling at you. You can’t make them stop, so you lash out in anger.

How do I know any of this? How do I know what goes on in the mind of a person with Alzheimer’s Disease? I know because during my journey through Alzheimer’s Hell, I was privileged to meet doctors, authors, and ordinary people who, in the earlier stages of Alzheimer’s Disease, were able to articulate their experiences. Including my own husband. That will be an article for another time, but for now, I wanted to give you a perspective from the other side to help you understand why arguing with them is futile and detrimental to all involved.

What to Do Instead of Arguing:

The 3 D’s of Alzheimer Arguments:

Distract

Divert

De-escalate

If you can distract their attention, and divert them to another activity, they will soon forget what they were obsessing over, and the situation will de-escalate.

Example:

Let’s return to the opening scene. Your loved one is obsessing about going home.

Distract them by saying, “Oh, look, Daisy (the dog) wants to play.” Hand him Daisy’s ball. “Here, throw the ball for Daisy. Hey, I have an idea. Let’s take Daisy for a walk."

Divert their attention by helping them put the leash on Daisy. The three of you go outside for a walk. During the walk, you talk about Daisy and her cute antics.

De-escalate — The walk has de-escalated the volatile situation and your loved one has forgotten about his “going home” obsession.

This is just one example. You have to adjust your DDD tactics to suit your and your loved one’s situation. Perhaps he likes doing puzzles or has a favorite TV show or movie on DVD. There is almost always something that will work to DDD.

I urge you to try it. It will save your sanity.

For a more detailed explanation about relinquishing the arguing, click here for the blog I wrote for my website about how I learned the hard lesson while caring for my husband.

Stay tuned for my next article: Communicating with a person with Alzheimer’s Disease

My previous Alzheimer’s Articles in this Series:

Alzheimer’s Disease — The Top 5 Early Symptoms — It’s Not Always About Memory

Alzheimer Day Care — 7 Things to Know Before You Sign on the Dotted Line

Originally published in Medium.com

©Copyright 2022 Joan Gershman