My Husband Has Started a Friendship With a Woman He Used to Work With. Am I Right to Be Worried?

When a partner forms a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex, especially someone from their past, it can stir emotions that are hard to ignore. Trust, insecurity, and fear of betrayal can all collide at once. For many spouses, the question is not whether the friendship itself is wrong, but whether the boundaries around it are healthy.
A reader recently shared her concern: her husband has reconnected with a woman he once worked with years ago. What began as casual messages has slowly turned into frequent communication—texts, social media interactions, and even plans to meet for coffee. The reader insists she does not want to be controlling, but she cannot shake the feeling that something about the situation feels uncomfortable.
This reaction is not unusual. Emotional discomfort does not always mean that something inappropriate is happening, but it does signal that something deserves attention.
Why This Triggers Anxiety
Friendships with former colleagues are common, but when one of those friendships becomes secretive or intense, it can blur into emotional territory that threatens a marriage. The fear is not always physical infidelity—it is emotional intimacy. Sharing personal problems, private jokes, and daily updates with someone outside the marriage can slowly replace the closeness that should exist between spouses.
Experts say jealousy itself is not the enemy. It often points to unmet emotional needs or unclear boundaries. If a spouse feels excluded or dismissed when concerns are raised, the problem becomes less about the friend and more about communication within the marriage.
Transparency Matters
One of the strongest indicators of whether a friendship is healthy is transparency. Does your husband openly talk about this woman? Does he show you their messages willingly? Or does he become defensive when you ask questions?
Healthy friendships survive daylight. If the relationship is innocent, there should be no need for secrecy. Hiding phones, deleting messages, or downplaying how often they talk are warning signs—not proof of cheating, but signals that boundaries may be slipping.
Trust is built not only on faith but on behavior. If your partner’s actions create doubt, those feelings deserve to be discussed rather than buried.
The Difference Between Control and Boundaries
It is important to distinguish between controlling behavior and reasonable boundaries. You are not asking your husband to give up friendships. You are asking for reassurance and respect for your emotional safety.
Boundaries might include:
Not sharing intimate marital problems with this friend
Limiting one-on-one meetings
Including you in social settings when possible
Being open about communication
These are not demands—they are safeguards for the relationship.
How to Start the Conversation
Approach the topic calmly and without accusation. Instead of saying, “I don’t trust you,” try:
“I feel uneasy because I don’t understand what this friendship means to you, and I need reassurance.”
This keeps the focus on your feelings rather than placing blame. A loving partner will want to understand your concern, not dismiss it.
If he responds with empathy and works with you to find solutions, that is a positive sign. If he mocks your worries or refuses to discuss boundaries, that is a deeper issue than the friendship itself.
Self-Reflection Is Also Important
Ask yourself what exactly worries you. Is it her specifically? Is it how much time they spend talking? Or is it a sense that your emotional connection with your husband has weakened?
Sometimes fear is rooted in past experiences—betrayal, insecurity, or lack of communication. Understanding your own emotions helps prevent the discussion from turning into conflict.
When to Seek Help
If the tension continues or trust feels damaged, couples counseling can provide a neutral space to discuss expectations and fears. A counselor can help define boundaries that both partners feel comfortable with.
Ignoring the issue will not make it disappear. Small doubts can grow into resentment if left unspoken.
The Bottom Line
You are not wrong to feel uneasy. Your feelings are signals, not accusations. A marriage should be a place where concerns are heard and respected. A friendship outside the marriage is not automatically dangerous, but it becomes problematic when it competes with the marriage for emotional closeness.
The real question is not whether your husband should have this friendship, but whether your relationship still feels safe, valued, and prioritized. Trust thrives where openness exists. If both partners protect that trust, friendships do not have to become threats.
Sometimes, what seems like a small issue is actually a chance to strengthen communication and reaffirm commitment. Handled honestly and calmly, this moment can bring clarity rather than conflict.