Mental Health for Two

I am…

Angry

Hurt

Annoyed

Disappointed

Embarrassed

Lost

Left out

It’s a lie to say that no one feels the way that I do or can even understand, but this isn’t something you just go around finding people to commiserate. Or to know how it all turned out for them.

I feel like being part of everything hurts and makes me feel awful. At the same time, I feel like distancing, setting boundaries feels like I am hurting others and I feel awful.

It is a crap to feel like if you aren’t worried or upset about someone that it means you don’t care.

I have let so many things go and feel like basic functions are an accomplished day. This isn’t who I want to be.

I don’t want to feel so mentally tired that my body feels tired. The weight of my thoughts feels like I am going to be buried the first moment I acknowledge that they are there.

I wish I knew what the right thing is to do.

Like is it this twisted you went so far for me so therefore I have to match the same effort. Why do I feel like everything I have done thus far isn’t enough?

Is it because I wish you had done so much for me? Not even to have done things for me, why weren’t you just there for the good things?

I never included you in the shit situations, the bad feelings, the times that I wish I had somebody I could just put my head down and make me feel like things were going to be okay. When I tried including you in the great things, the things to be proud you weren’t there, you put yourself and your needs first.

So why is that now that you are in a shitty place, that I have to be there and save you? When did you save or celebrate with me?

I want to so much to wake up and feel like I can tackle the day and work on the things I have in my mind for myself. I feel like if I am spending that time on myself, I am selfish and I could be focusing on fixing all of your problems.

I fixed my own problems. You didn’t have to do that for me. I’ve always fixed your problems or made sure that my own were not yours too.

I tried so hard to give you good experiences to hang your thoughts on. I offered to pay for someone to talk to about everything. I’ve paid for things to be one less burden on you.

And somehow, I don’t feel like it is enough, because that’s what I am told. I have an obligation to give my all into your needs because it’s what we do.

I keep letting myself fall into the trap that I shouldn’t help myself because I am not helping you.

I can’t focus on my work, education, health or needs because that is energy that I’ve spent trying not to spend it on you.

How do you be the adult you needed as a child, when your adult still demands your help because they are a child?

I am tired because I am carrying the emotional burden for two.

I’ve carried us through some really awful times, but where have you been for the rest of it?

Why do I have to be the strong one, the protector, the enforcer, the provider?

I’d like to think the roles reversed but this is how it has always been.

I can’t be your better half, your crutch, your caregiver.

It’s not in me to be that person because I never had that from you. How would I even know how to be those things, if you have never shown me?

I feel so heavy.

My days are passing by, and I am falling further into this hole.

Are you at the bottom of this hole?