Living with Anxiety & Depression

Sunday morning I woke up, and I've barely slept a wink since. I roll around thinking "I really need to get some sleep" but I'm too aware of the need. My brain won't stop. I'm having dozens of hypothetical conversations in my head while worrying about things that don't matter that much and it feels like adrenaline is the only thing keeping me going. I stand up and feel the blood rushing through my arms, legs and head. It's like I feel every pulse and my heart wants to remind me that it's still working but the sensation brings me no comfort. My eyes are hanging out of my head but I can't relax my mind. Part of me says "find someone who sells weed, it'll shut you down and you can relax peacefully" but another part says "that isn't the answer, it'll probably make things worse".

I'd give almost anything to be less aware and to let everything around me dissolve so I can focus on me and be happy but at the same time I worry that if I retreat into my own comfort and think less then I won't be me anymore. I need my awareness and my constant analysis of everything otherwise I'm just on autopilot and biding my time until the last goodnight. It's frustrating. Most of what I tune into makes me sad and angry so I wonder why I cling to those senses​ so much. I'm screaming in my head but it's​ hidden behind my distractions and my jokes. "Talk to someone". That's always the advice but I can't find my words when I need to use my voice and how am I supposed to focus on me when I'm trying to work out what YOU think when I speak? I'm predicting your responses and trying to avoid telling you what you expect me to say, because who wants to be predictable? I resist your advice because I'm too angry to be wrong. I can't accept that I need help when in my eyes, it's other people who are causing the problem, and they don't know it or don't care. It's probably an unfair perception. I know I shouldn't let other people's words and actions affect me but again, if I didn't worry about others, I'd feel like just another number and I'm afraid I'd lose my empathy, which is surprisingly still there and still guiding my decisions. Fuck. I mean if I can't look after myself why do I care so much about everyone else while simultaneously blaming them for my worldview?

I'd be surprised if anyone is still reading this far down but it helps a little to write it. If you are still with me at this point, know that I don't ignore you or find you uninteresting when we talk, it's just that I'm too preoccupied to get involved in another conversation or to express another opinion. It's just another weight on my mind and I'm afraid of it. What if I say the wrong thing? What if people dislike me for my opinions? What if I say something and everyone disagrees, leaving me with my back against the wall? Quick Neil! Make a joke! Make everyone comfortable again. That'll relax you. Restore some confidence and carry on as though nobody knows you almost had an anxiety attack. Crisis averted. You can just carry the burden home with you and crack open another beer to help numb the sensation.

Back to my distractions trying to lower the blood pressure again. A vicious cycle that cats and superhero movies can't break, but maybe they can slow it down a bit. Retreat to your safe space on the sofa and forget that it's all going on outside. Buy yourself something. That'll give you a moment's pleasure. A minor bit of excitement until the novelty wears off. Play a game! Of course if you suck at the game then the distraction melts away and is replaced by self loathing and a renewed sense of worthlessness. I dunno. I probably wouldn't write any of this if I had slept in the last 3 days. It just feels like the last candle has burned out and I'm fresh out of wax to light new ones. Me and analogies eh?