Letting Go...

Hey friend...

I know it's probably not right or okay to reach out to you, but, I'm hurting here...deeply.

You don't have to respond but... I've been trying to free myself of this curse from you for so long... maybe just saying all of this out loud will get me an inch closer to finally being free from you or maybe I'm about to cause the slowest slippery slope to destruction for all those we love and care for.

It's been 15 years since...15 years and I can still remember how your lips felt, wrapping you with my arms and feeling you bury your head into my chest. Making me feel lucky, the universe gave you to me, to keep safe.

Your eyes, your piercing eyes, filled me with so much fear but a respectful fear of you, they made me feel you somehow knew every known and unknown thought or secret within me and if I didn't answer right, I would be the victim of your most wonderful rage and albeit sexy temper.

You made me feel alive, made me feel I needed to get up every day and prove to you, you made the right choice in choosing me; made me want to work every moment of each day to make sure you never leave.

But you did leave. You left me on that day 15 years ago, that even to this day after all this time, I remember every detail, like it happened just minutes ago.

That brisk Sunday summer evening, the gray still sky held a few sparse thin clouds, it was right about when dusk is on the horizon and you can sense the evening approach.

To my right there were either birds or a plane traveling in the sky. There was a calmness all around, but it was that very sense of calm, that warned me, a storm was about to approach and ravage all the good between us, and the good in me.

As I stood in the doorway of my apartment, I knew why you were breaking up with me, I knew you were being manipulated by those around you to leave me, so you could go back to the way things were with them, where it seemed safe and secure, b/c I represented too much change, too much unknown, and that terrified you. So, you left me for them, not for you.

I knew you were confused, and which is why, the day before, I begged you to take a day or as many as you wanted to, to figure things out; to calm down, and not necessarily choose me, but choose better-just for you; even if it meant I could not have you and you needed to be alone. I would have preferred being alone way much more than the thousand little knives that pierced my heart when you forced yourself to say the words you knew weren't true..."I'm still in love with my ex-boyfriend".

The ground fell out from underneath me and there was a river of boiling lava below, ready to consume me. I reached out, grabbed some nearby ledge to hold on to for dear life so as to not fall into utter despair of losing the woman I was convinced was the love of my life. To make matters worse it was as though some stranger peered over the edge, looking down on me, not to help, but to state the following: "Quick, you have 10 seconds to choose, the door on the left or the door on the right". The door on the left will help you save this woman, but you will be cursed for the rest of your life, or the door on your right will help only yourself as you do what you can to keep her here with you."

Time slowed down and what was probably 10 seconds felt a lifetime in my heart of choosing and coming to the decision of saying the three words I have Not regretted saying but seem to have cursed me for a decade and a half and maybe even more...the 3 words of "You Should Go".

We know the story, we have said it to ourselves over and over again, but I had to save you. Letting you go, which no one had ever done for you before at that point, was the tiniest, sliver of hope that you would see, what true love was, it doesn't hold on, it Let's Go! Furthermore, feeling so powerless to help you but knowing letting you go had no guarantee of saving you, was heart wrenching. I knew you were getting hurt by all those around you and it tore me apart. It was as though I was watching you getting raped but there was another person who had a gun to your head, looked at me and said..."Move one inch and I'll blow her brains out". I couldn't move to save you; I was powerless to help the woman I desperately loved. If I told you how you were being used by your close loved ones, I would be the bad guy. But if I said nothing, there was no guarantee you would see the truth of how you were being hurt.

So, I waited, prayed, and waited some more...

Two months later, you realized you made a bad decision, broke up with your boyfriend for the last time, and you and I slowly resumed the love story we started that summer. Oh, how wonderful it would be to say, "We Lived Happily Ever After", wonderful to say..."See this was the test we both needed to prove my true love to you", but it only got worse from there.

You were stuck and not completely free yet. Though the ones who manipulated you were gone and exposed for their selfishness; I saw what no one else wanted to see, what everyone refused to deal with, the only person left who wasn't safe for you...was You. You did not know how to trust yourself and that was the biggest danger of all.

You lived in so much fear, depression, anxiety. You would overwork yourself, worried of what everyone may think of you, you were Afraid. It was as though you were in a clearing within a dark forest, with looming trees on either side and you came face to face with a faceless stranger in front of you filled with fear and anger in them. What you didn't see that I could see was that faceless stranger was the anger and fear in you, you were the other person in that forest. I was screaming from a distance through the howling winds of life's complexities, running to you, to tell you to fight your anger and fear, to understand it, manage it but you kept running away from her and I saw it slowly consume you and it terrified me. I saw the darkness begin to take over you and squeeze the beauty and life out of the angel I knew and fell in love with. I had to make another decision, I had to come in-between you, your anger, fear and force you to deal with it and that's why I gave you a choice, either we work our problems out, or I must leave.

I waited months but you made it clear; fear and anger were your new soulmates, so I was left, to leave you for good.

We both went our own ways. Yet I was tormented by you, almost year after year, for 15 years! Every woman I met after you, I compared her to you. Even if she was less crazy and dramatic than you, I compared the fact that I would most likely not be as in love with them as with you because I gave up the ultimate sacrifice, being with you, how can any woman ever compete against that?

To make matters worse, I would be haunted in my dreams by you. A dream of being beside you, talking to you, just you in a dream would make me remember the deep love I had for you and I would be devastated for weeks on end, thinking nothing but you, terrified of another dream about you.

I worked hard to live with the pain of you. The memory of you had become so much a part of me that in time I began to see and compare every other pain to yours and none ever came close. If I was going through a hard time, I would say "At least it was not as bad as losing her", and I would, miraculously get through that tough time.

Eventually, I couldn't tell what was worse anymore your pain or the rest of life's pain, for I had become so numb and built a callous in me wherever there was pain, heartbreak, or abandonment. I expected it, rode it out, hoped for some calm in the storm, then got ready for a new wave of hurt and anguish.

I made peace or tried to make peace with the torment of you. Some have it easier with love but the love that sacrifices is a love of burden that I had to take up daily and find some solace of comfort that I did what I thought was right, even if you hated me for the rest of our lives.

Ironically, one Sunday afternoon, I got what was one of the most shocking notifications on my phone.... The woman who was once the love of my life, You, started following me on Instagram. I didn't know what to do...I didn't, couldn't, follow you back but I couldn't, didn't reject or block you. Granted I did find you on social media a few months before, saw what seemed to be you being in a better place and at peace, and that helped me to feel better about losing you.

Yet something was drawing me back to you and maybe it was fear...fear of the unknown. Am I really over her? Am I healed? Can I find healing? Did she follow me on Instagram so she can lay into me and tell me how much she hated how I left? The pain I spoke about earlier, also has an element of facing fears. For me, you can't work through pain unless you face your fears and I was afraid to talk to you again, so I knew I had some pain with you to work through.

I reached out and 8 glorious months followed of us picking up where we last left off 15 years ago. I was reminded of why I fell in love with you, you were first and foremost my friend, a best friend. We talked and dealt with our past, you realized I was right to leave, I realized other truths about us, like how we were so young and hurting from the similar dark paths we grew up in as kids, and how although you were 19, me 25 back then, we were still wounded toddlers trying to figure out what life was all about, let alone how to love someone else deeply.

Yet again, our story seems to never end on a happy note. It's been 8 months since you last spoke to me and I know why. We were getting too close again, we were fulfilling those needs within us that were no longer our responsibility to do so.

Your husband and two beautiful kids are your life now and whatever issues you are going through now, I can no longer be there for you. You will have to figure this out on your own and though I miss and ache for your friendship daily, I'm not safe for you. Safeness is the groundwork for happiness, and I made a solemn quite promise and oath to always put your happiness and safety first.

Am I still in love with you? Who knows? Will I find love with another woman? I'm in no rush. Will I always love you? I think so. Do you have a special place in my heart? Of course! Can I ever stop caring for you? I don't see how that could ever be possible.

Which is why I can't bring myself to hit send on this Instagram message, for I'm afraid this will only confuse you. I will delete all of this and hope that my words will find a way to express themselves in some other safe capacity.

True love always "Let's go" and maybe this deep hurt is what keeps me Going...