I Want to Live!

“Make sure I wake up.” That was the last thing I said when I was laying on the operating table getting ready for surgery. The anesthesiologist was about to put the mask on my face and put me to sleep, and all I could think about was ensuring I would be alive come the end of the day. I was terrified of the surgery, but I was even more terrified of what my life would be if I didn’t get it.

By the time I was 30 years old, my weight had skyrocketed up past 300 pounds. Depression, anxiety, and lack of caring had consumed me, and in turn made me pack on the pounds. For years, I had tried to lose weight, but I was always met with failure which sent me back to the foods that made me “feel” better. It was a horrible, vicious cycle. At one point, I had even told myself, “Well, you are always going to be fat, so why bother trying to be anything else.” It certainly wasn’t a healthy mindset, especially for how young I was.

Deciding to have weight loss surgery was not an easy decision. It was something I struggled with from the very begging. I attended classes and seminars on it, fought back and forth with the pros and cons, and even talked to other people who had undergone the knife. It took me years to decide it was the right choice for me, and even as I lay on that operating table, waiting to have 85% of my stomach removed from my body, I almost changed my mind. (This surgery is known as Vertical Sleeve Gastronomy or VSG.)

However, my life had become miserable. I couldn’t run and play with my kids. There were even aspects of self-care I found difficult. No one wants to think about a life where wiping their butt is a challenge, yet it was staring at me from right around the corner. It may be TMI, but it was the truth. Diabetes, heart problems, and frequent illnesses added to the mix. This was not where I had hoped to be at 30 years old. Something had to change.

When I went in for surgery I was 326 pounds. If I ever weighed more than that, I am unsure, but that is my highest recorded weight. At 5’7" it was way too much to carry around. The doctor started the process by putting everyone on a meat and greens diet. We could have water, milk, protein shakes, lean meat, and anything leafy green. It wasn’t the easiest diet, especially with how much I loved rice, but I did it, because I had to.

During the months leading up to my surgery, I had to go to several special doctor appointments including nutrition, physical therapy, and a mental health evaluation. It was a bit frustrating, especially since I wanted nothing more than to get the surgery done and over with, but the time prepared me for my upcoming life. Things for me were about to dramatically change.

So why did I go through all of this? Well, because I wanted to live. My health was on the fast track to a life of complications ending in an early grave. Everything I wanted to do was more difficult and less fun. I wasn’t living. I was shuffling through the world hating life.

Even after all of the months of prep work, I still wasn’t prepared for how drastically everything was going to change for me. Foods would feel and taste different, my energy levels would rise and fall. My health was on its way to making me a whole different person, both physically and mentally. It has been two years since I began this journey. In the beginning, I lost 105 pounds, and have since put some back on. Over time, I will share more and more of my story, but one thing is for certain. I am living now, healthy, happy, and on the right track.