I'm A Griever, & That's Never Going to Change

Grief doesn't have a timeline. There is also no way to neatly define, experience, or describe the effects loss has on the griever. Every loss is different, and the way we experience and process those losses are equally unique. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no such thing as "getting better." Because the problem you have cannot be fixed. There is no solution. A person you love deeply is no longer physically here, and your brain has to learn to see it, feel it, and accept it as your new reality.

Our brains protect us by default, hence the initial reactions to a death. Many describe it as shock, numbness, a fog. This is our brain's way of protecting us from the reality of what has happened, so we don't absorb it all at once. This phase is hard and brutal in its' own ways, but for me this was the easy part. The part where it was new, and still possibly temporary. My brain wasn't allowing me to fully process what had happened, so it wasn't real yet.

It is only when the permanence of the situation sets in that grief can be fully realized. The "firsts" are hard. Holidays, Birthdays, Anniversaries, etc. You're sad, but society has set us up with the false belief that the firsts are the hard ones. "Next year will be better." Next year arrives, and to your surprise your person is still gone. The silence is loud. And it continues to get louder. The reality sinks in more and more as time passes that it is your new reality. There is no going back. They aren't coming back. They are gone for the remainder of your life, and the remainder of these special dates. The "firsts" are only the first of many. Many celebrations, milestones, moments that you are reminded not only by the continued absence, but the time that you have been cheated out of. The days they should be sitting there with you, talking and laughing, like the many other times you shared the occasions.

By the time reality hits you, society expects you to be "better." You should have moved forward by now, living a happy and fulfilling life. This will happen. But it takes much more time than what is allotted to us. I believe most people get 3 days off from work? The right to be sad for the first round of big dates? Then you've used your allowance. People stop asking and assume you're fine. They even so much as expect this. If you're still struggling, there must be something seriously wrong with you. You're dwelling on the past. Not moving forward to the future like you're supposed to.

t can understand. "I can't even imagine." Yeah, well I couldn't either. I also couldn't have imagined the range and intensity of emotions that come along with processing a loss. These emotions are so intense, and can also be all consuming. Not only are we grieving and pining for our person, we also have this new set of feelings that we never had before. And we have to learn to express things we have never expressed before. We have to learn to manage these massive, overwhelming waves of emotion that don't arrive during the time we block out on our calendar like a meeting. They arrive without warning, and the feelings must be dealt with before they subside.

We have to accept the new depth that lies inside of us. It's like gaining access to an entire new body part that has been lying dormant until now. You feel more deeply, you're keenly aware that the unthinkable can quickly and suddenly become your reality. We learn that life is truly fragile, control is a complete illusion, and your worst nightmare can come true.

So please, have some patience with us. Understand that we will never be quite the same person. We are doing the best we can. Just be grateful for every day you have with your life still intact. Because our old, normal life was taken without our consent.