I Can't Cross My Fingers Anymore

Over the past couple of years I have noticed that my RA was causing me to lose my ability to do things that I was once able to do. It started out small, with things that really didn't bother me, you know like I was cracking my fingers more, to limber them up. my elbows would take spells burning I mean really bad, it would usually last between 15 to 30 minutes at a time and they would do that sometimes 2 to 3 times a day.

Then I started to notice that my toes would start to spasm like 5 or more times a day, oh it hurt a great deal but it would only last about 2 minutes. Then I noticed that when I would wash dishes I would have to take breaks because my arms would hurt. And now I just discovered that I can no longer cross my fingers.

I know that it sounds crazy, but it is true. Why should I take the time to write a blog post about that, but it is a big deal to me. My husband was working in your bathroom trying to repair a leak, and when he went to turn the water back on to see if the leak was fixed, I told him I would cross my fingers for good luck, and when I went to do it I noticed that I couldn't. I tried again, and again on both hands with no luck. The only way I can get them to cross is if I make myself do it. It is just another ability that is being taken away by this horrible disease. What's next? I know that there is no getting better for me, just worse. But I thought it would be a gradual process, I mean I am just 46, I am much too young to see my health decline so rapidly. And it feels me with so much fear, what happens when I can no longer take care of myself? What happens to Andy if I can no longer take care of him? It is not my husband's job to care for me, yet he does things for me that I can already not do, where is that fair to him?

I belong to a wonderful online Facebook support group for ladies that suffer from RA, and it has been a great help for me because it allows me to be able to share the many trials that people with RA go through, just to be a sounding board, a place to be able to vent if I have to and know that there are ladies there that will listen, give me words of encouragement and pray for me which is always a wonderful comfort. And I in turn can do the same thing for them, and even though I have never nor probably will never meet these women in person, they are still near and dear to my heart, and I thank God for each and every one of them, we are RA warriors, and we are fighting this horrible battle together.

I often have days to where I will look up to the Lord and say why? What have I done so wrong? I try to be a good person, why would you put this horrible disease on me, I mean I already have to take care of Andy, why would you allow this to happen? I still have not yet had my question answered, so I just go along and do the best that I can, and have faith that if the Lord brought me to it, He will bring me through it.