I am autistic

I have a surprise for you. I'm a 45 year old attractive single mother of 2 children. I have a job where I make a decent living. I live without external supports. I own my own car. I homeschool my children while working full time.....I also have an autism diagnosis. Unless you really know me...you'd never guess.

When I was a child, I grew up feeling different. I rarely had friends and generally when i had friends I lost them easily. I didn't understand how to interact with people. I was born with a developmental delay. It turns out the school caught it when I was in Kindergarten. They caught onto my idiosyncratic language and pronunciation and potentially other markers and tried to get my intervention. My mother decided that I didn't need speech therapy. I wish she had believed in intervention.

I have always been a bit "odd" but wasn't diagnosed as autistic until May 2019. I was 43. That diagnosis set me free. I was so relieved I cried to my daddy and he said he was happy I finally knew. The autism gave me so many gifts but also gave several disabilities that have made my life a struggle. I have felt like an outsider since birth. I have memories from very early in life. The things I remember are very rich in color and texture and sensory input. Please don't ask me about detailed things from last week. My brain is polluted now and I don't have the capability to create this level of memory now .

My early childhood is dominated with memories of my dad's gifts from when he was deployed in the Navy. They are dominated by the time at my grandparents house. I remember distinctly things like: Licking the salt-lick kept on the back porch. I remember swinging in the back yard. I remember reading Pinocchio and asking "Are there whales in the sea where my daddy is?" The answer was "Yes." I remember.

I remember the introspection of those years and rocking on my rocking horse lost in thoughts about whether dinosaurs or Christopher columbus or Jesus came first. I remember trying to organize that in my head.

One of the weirdest memories is of an introspective moment. I was thinking about dinosaurs. Wondering what they really looked like. I mean...supposedly they were more muted colors right? What if they were vibrant pink and purple and green? What if they were painted the most glorious colors? YOU DO NOT KNOW what they looked like. And what if their vision was different from ours.....Speaking of that...what if you and I traded sight right now. Let's look at a patch of grass over to the right. It's green, vibrant green. right? If I am looking through your eyes though - what if that grass is hot pink? You call it green because someone once pointed at that item and told you it was green. and it is an "earth tone" only because you've been told that it is. But your "green" is what i see as "pink" and what Tommy over there sees as "Blue" That thought right there i've held onto for 42 years.

45 years of thoughts like that whirring around in my brain. I can come up with intricate thoughts like that but i'm not capable of interacting successfully on a social level.

Being autistic isn't what you think it is. I can promise. I didn't even know I had autism until my daughter had a distinct lack of empathy and she showed signs of needing some assistance. I began reading about women on the autism spectrum and it turned out that We are vastly under-diagnosed and mis-diagnosed. I ticked every single box for that list. After my daughter was diagnosed I started wondering if I should seek a diagnosis. While my son was back for his diagnostic appointment I spoke with his diagnostician....

Her: I'm not completely done yet but I can tell you he has an 8 on the ADOS. This isn't anything you didn't already suspect but this is your second child on the spectrum. are you okay? Do you need to talk about it?

Me: No. I'm good. I feel validated. To be honest, I think I need to seek a diagnostic appointment for me. I read an article that says this can be related to mitochondrial DNA. Apples don't fall too far from the tree....

Her: Yes. I agree. And for what it is worth. You are absolutely on the autism spectrum. I spotted it immediately. I can't diagnose you but I suggest seeking a diagnostician. I can refer you if you like.

Being Autistic is definitely not what I thought it was like before I knew. It isn't the same looking in OR looking out.

i have this amazing ability to solve problems and see connections where others can't. My IQ is significantly higher than "Average" but then the disability portion sets in. My processing speed is slower. My grasp of the english language is worse than other people's. I have to edit papers and articles I write repeatedly. As this is just a quick introductory article I'm not going to edit it much. My question to you is this:

What questions do you have for an adult autistic person as far as maybe you are curious? Can you challenge me to be better?

My biggest deficit is social interaction. really...awful deficit. :) PS: That picture isn't me at the top of the article. It could potentially be me though. You never know someone's struggle.