How To Recognize the Warning Signs of Negging

There have been instances where you meet someone who seems really into you — but gives you subtle back-handed compliments. Their comments are friendly enough to warrant a smile or two — but also give pause.

At first, you paid them no heed because they were extremely nuanced, but after a while, the pieces come together, and you’ve made the shocking realization, only to realize that the writing has been on the wall this whole time.

As a Registered Psychotherapist with a specialization in anxiety, trauma, and relationships, I’ve heard countless horror stories surrounding relationships, where people across the gender and sociopolitical spectrum speak about their experiences of “negging”. And before you ask, yes — I’ve had male clients report the same situations as well, even if the historical accounts of negging state otherwise.

The Definition of Negging

For the uninitiated, and according to the Cambridge Dictionary, negging is a rather peculiar flirting technique, where you gradually break someone down (with a slightly insulting comment) to increase the attraction between both parties.

If that doesn’t sound right, that’s because it’s not supposed to.

It’s considered a form of emotional manipulation, and a major red flag for you to either halt, tread carefully (if unable to escape) — or run for the hills (if you catch it early enough).

Healthy relationships are supposed to be unconditionally supportive (or at least close to it), mutually collaborative, harbour respect between both parties and not harbour an underlying hidden agenda of psychological manipulation.

Even if both sides don’t see eye-to-eye, compromises are within reason, especially with dedicated discussion and debriefing. After all, relationships are one of the largest investments you’ll make in life. We make light of them, despite knowing otherwise.

Negging Gradually Breaks Down Self-Esteem

Under negging, dark psychology is used to increase the likelihood of one party being controlled by the other side.

As much as I dislike this analogy, it’s like the equivalent of spraying a water bottle on a naughty (but otherwise innocent) puppy whenever they are “out of line”. In this case, it could simply mean harbouring high self-esteem, independence, and some sense of pride. The moment you (as the proverbial animal) climb up back, you are pushed back down, to resume a more meagre, estranged, and humble presentation.

Adelyn Birch, the author of 30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics: How Manipulators Take Control In Personal Relationships, summarized this pretty nicely:

“Emotional manipulation methodically wears down your self-worth and self-confidence, and damages your trust in your own perceptions. It can make you unwittingly compromise your personal values, which leads to a loss of self-respect and a warped self concept. With your defenses weakened or completely disarmed in this manner, you are left even more vulnerable to further manipulation.

Over time, you learn to behave a specific way, none the wiser. Negging makes you think that you did something wrong. It causes you to ask for more praise and validation, in a never-ending vicious cycle of people-pleasing — until there’s nothing left to give.

It’s not right for anyone to experience this kind of treatment, especially if you see the potential warning signs at any point in your life. I would argue that most of us have experienced it, and may have unwittingly made such comments ourselves.

Some Direct Examples

To make the point apparent as to how discreet negging can be, here’s one example:

“You would look a little better if you did a little extra make-up around the eyes. Yeah, maybe a little more eye-shadow.”

Another example could be:

“I’m glad that you love your job and feel fulfilled. However, you’re not earning as much as others in your industry. You’re not really a doctor though, are you?”

A third random example comes to mind:

“You’re pretty smart, but you don’t come across that way. What’s with the portion you’re ordering? Are you wanting another beer belly?”

Within the context of an overarching relationship, these may seem not as provocative as you were expecting them to be (or perhaps they are). However, it was said by a trusted partner, someone you’ve known for a long time. They may even have a penchant for unruly and abrasive dark humour. You might even try to defend them if a stranger came up to you calling them out on their behaviour.

Without critical context, it is a big deal, as compliments are usually not tied to such comments. If you debriefed with a kind stranger or a random friend, they would point out that your partner nitpicked about you, as if you are not one of a kind — and as if they are without flaws.

Plus, the comments can be subtle enough and peppered in between moments of genuine awe, excitement, and sensational experiences. To make it even more complicated, the person saying these comments may be otherwise charming, well-liked by the community, have accolades or publications behind their name, and may have been laughing with smiling eyes while saying these comments to your face. Thus, fostering doubt if they meant to sound mean or not.

They might even backpedal to save face, depending on your reaction and response:

“Oh, I was just joking. I am usually like this with most of my friends. You’re part of my crew now.”

However, I implore you to examine these comments carefully. If you feel like you are somehow being put down repeatedly, then at least you have the awareness to catch it ahead of time, without having further time invested in this person. There’s a reason why we feel things before they register in our minds — it’s our brain's way of recognizing something is off.

The Warning Signs of Negging

Besides what was mentioned above (such as the back-handed compliments), there are other signs of negging.

Repetitive & Unwanted Feedback

Individuals who neg may always have some kind of feedback to give you, even when it’s not warranted, and even if it isn’t always necessarily bad. In the beginning, it may be helpful, giving you the momentum and motivation required to get certain things or tasks done.

This may include direct and unwanted feedback on:

Appearance

Diet

Exercise

Clothing

Friends

Family

Language

However, if you are receiving a lot of these unwanted comments across multiple domains in your life all the time, and they don’t make you feel good — you don’t have to rely on that one specific person to complete you. You are a full person, and you can always take steps at your own pace to make some changes (if you need to do so). Plus, if they don’t respect your points or views on their feedback, and keep on delivering more feedback anyway, then you know what they feel about your opinion on those topics.

Adelyn Birch even noted this aspect as well:

“How someone responds to your emotions and perceptions will indicate how much they respect you, how much they care about you and your feelings, how capable they are of empathy and intimacy, and how much they are trying to change or control you.”

2. Constant Approvals & Breadcrumbs

Before you met this person, you’ve likely harboured a strong sense of self-respect, self-compassion, and self-esteem. This is probably what attracted you to them in the first place. However, if they have bad intentions, they see it as a conquest to have someone (who is independent) in their immediate control. This may include emotional, physical, and sexual control.

While being around this person, you may have noticed yourself becoming a shell of who you used to be, and are finding yourself asking for increasingly more praise and compliments (even if they are quite sparse).

Caught in a strange cycle of low self-esteem, your ability to feel good is contingent on what they say. This fosters an unhealthy sense of dependency, where you might leave friends and family on the sidelines, who watch helplessly as you run further away from them.

It’s not okay to completely rely on others to make us happy. Yes, our partners can support us (especially if they are bona-fide wholesome folk), but you need to harbour some self-compassion (in case of a rainy day) and have emergency back-ups (like friends and family to cross-reference unfamiliar situations).

Please be kind to yourself if you find yourself in this situation — as no one is perfect, and it takes time to recognize when we are in a dire situation.

3. Repeated Comparisons to Ex-Partners

When it comes to negging, individuals often find their partners are always comparing them to a previous ex-partner (who was allegedly similar and better in many ways). This may cause inadvertent feelings of jealousy and competition between yourself and that idealized image of that ex-partner.

“You remind me too much of my ex-partner. She never cared about this kind of thing, I’m not sure why you care so much. It’s not a big deal, really.”

However, you have to remember that your current partner left them (if they loved them that much), which tells you a lot about either your partner or their ex-partner. On top of that, you are you — with your own unique journey. Comparing yourself to their ex-partner is like comparing apples to oranges. It’s just not worth it, especially with your self-esteem already chipping away.

4. Always Seeming Busy

Individuals who engage in negging will seem more busy than they are and are likely shrouded in mystery. Perhaps they do not mean to be this way, though they seem to prioritize their interests above everyone else’s, including your own.

You are, on some level, important to them, but not to the extent of importance that are giving them. With a lowered self-esteem, you might find yourself coaching them, parenting them, and looking for additional breadcrumbs to get back that dopamine rush that you feel deprived of. They might also dodge bullets (aka gentle questioning) and set aggressive boundaries when you try to ask them what they might be doing during the day.

It’s okay to know some of the things that a partner does in their day-to-day, but not necessarily every detail (depending on the stage of the relationship). It is not okay to be overly aggressive about it either. If they yell at you for asking about their day, then most people would surmise that they have something to hide, such as deep-rooted insecurities, hidden addictions, and many more. If you are asking them a million questions, then you need to consider the needs of the other party.

Plus, if this is a long-term relationship, people will find it odd that you don’t have further information (since you aren’t a stranger to your partner either).

How to Stop Someone from Negging You

Given that negging sounds like a terrible premise and a slow-burning one at that, there must surely be a way to stop it in its tracks. I mean, the technique itself is not necessarily something someone is born with, they likely were coached by others to feel a sense of control (that they otherwise wouldn’t normally have).

However, those who engage in these kinds of behaviours, have their deep-rooted insecurities. They are just holding the mirror to not show the crying person beneath and are projecting it outward, as a dark means of coping with these emotions.

The research doesn’t support negging as a productive means of having a healthy relationship. Riddled with creative communication, manipulation, and coercive control, it is not necessarily a scenario a person wouldn’t want to be in.

You can observe the signs of negging the first instance you see, to get an idea if the person you are talking to (in the first place) has some deep-rooted insecurities and/or is manipulative. There is always a predictability to someone such as this, and you can use this aspect to remind yourself that you are still very much in control.

Adelyn Birch even referenced this fear and uncertainty:

“If you feel confused because someone tells you that they love you but they don’t act like they do, judge them by their actions alone. You will have your answer.”

Gaining Control with Carefully Worded Boundaries

If you are in such a situation, you don’t want to stoop to their level and retort back with backhanded compliments of your own. You need to set boundaries carefully when they are no longer looking and/or are interested. Slowly back away when it’s safe to do so.

As painful as that is, it is not worth staying in such a scenario. The person who did the negging will need to take the steps to seek their support and take the journey required to be more self-aware and conscientious. The onus is not on you to provide that support, especially if your hand has already been bitten in the past.

While you process the situation, try to debrief with a friend, and/or write a journal log (that the person can’t find) on some of the things you observed about them.

Eventually, with a steady breath and a calm demeanour, you can say things like:

“I appreciate you sharing this with me. Unfortunately, this is not what I am looking for. This really hurt my feelings, and I want to make sure I am understanding your intentions correctly. Help me better understand?”

With a deer-in-the-headlights look followed by a pleasant smile, the person might stammer and backpedal, crafting a beautiful story that almost hits all the notes to explain away all their past behaviours and comments. Sometimes, they might deny that they even said those statements to you, insinuating that you are exaggerating or making it up. However, you recalled your past debriefs with peers and have your journal logs (to confirm you didn’t make certain things up), so you know you are of a sound mind to want to leave the dynamic.

The key to having boundaries respected is the wording and consistency. If you feel safe enough, you can opt for something like:

“I learned a lot from this, and I still respect you — though I refuse to participate.”

Of course, you don’t have to use statements like these, just some variation of them. To summarize, the idea is to not escalate or retaliate against what they have said to you, to let them know how you feel about their statements and actions (using first-person language), and to make it clear that what they did was not okay.

Just make sure to keep explanations concise, as detailed stories will only derail the conversation and give them the upper hand.

Of course, if you are in an actively dangerous situation, follow the necessary and discreet protocols required to perform a discreet safety plan (aka escape strategy) and talk to a licensed professional, such as a family physician, your local shelter, a therapist, etc.

Summary

They are more appropriate ways to flirt and build rapport with that special someone, especially when both parties are genuine and honest about their interest in one another.

When one party engages in negging, they are using a variety of subtle back-handed compliments to slowly chip away at a person’s self-esteem. They will also provide unnecessary and incessant feedback at many opportunities, will breadcrumb you into being receptive to their limited praises, will always unnecessarily compare you to ex-partners, and will always seem busy.

With your trusty sense of judgement, the feedback of peers, and dedicated research, you might be able to nip certain things in the bud and dip before you fall into the further recesses of negging. Overall, it’s safe to assume that any person can be a victim of negging — even the strongest and most confident of people can fall into the subtle trap without realizing it, until much later.

As Adelyn Birch even noted:

“The most important test of intimacy is to ask yourself if your relationship is a safe haven where you feel loved and accepted for being yourself.”

References

Birch, A. (2015). 30 Covert emotional manipulation tactics: How Manipulators Take Control in Personal Relationships. Createspace Independent Publishing Platform.

Cambridge University Press. (n.d.). Negging | English meaning — Cambridge dictionary. Cambridge Advanced Learner’s Dictionary & Thesaurus. https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/negging

Green, K., Kukan, Z., & Tully, R. J. (2017). Public perceptions of “negging”: Lowering women’s self-esteem to increase the male’s attractiveness and achieve sexual conquest. Journal of Aggression, Conflict and Peace Research, 9(2), 95–105. https://doi.org/10.1108/jacpr-06-2016-0235

Merriam-Webster Publishing. (n.d.). “Negging” moves beyond the bar scene. Merriam-Webster. https://www.merriam-webster.com/wordplay/negging-pick-up-artist-meaning

This piece is not a replacement for psychiatric or medical advice. Please seek further support if you are in imminent crisis or risk, such as through 988, family physician, etc.