Grief is Complicated

Grief will always leave a mark on your life. For some, it can take months to heal from the death of a loved one. For many, it’s a process that spans over many years and could even be lifelong.

No matter how hard you try to focus on the good times or try to console yourself with those memories, losing a loved one hurts.

I saw this quote the other day that said “Grief is love that has no place to go.” I agree with that, but I also think it’s just any feelings that are left behind and have no place to go. This was the case for me when my father passed away.

I was 12 years old when my father was murdered, and it was without a doubt, the most life-changing tragedy that happened to me. It was also very confusing. My father wasn’t in my life too much when I was young. He seperated from my mom when I was 4. I have a couple of good memories of him, but I resented him a lot for the mistakes he made as a father. When he passed away, I couldn’t figure out:

Was I mourning the loss of my father or a father?

I think it’s a little bit of both. My father loved me, I have no doubt of that. I was his youngest daughter, and he would always try to call me when he had a chance. While he was here, I was fearless. Nothing could scare me because I had a strong dad who would protect me. I lost that when he died.

However, I still wish he had been there more. He would’ve wanted to be here to see me graduate, get my driver’s license, and get into college. I would’ve loved for him to have taught me how to drive and how to cook. My mom actually learned some of her recipes from him.

Whenever I find myself in a dark place, I can’t help but wonder what would’ve changed if my father were here. What would he say to me if he saw me now? Would he be proud? Disappointed? Like many others who grieve their loved ones, I also find myself wishing that I remembered more of him. What did his hugs feel like? What did his voice sound like?

Unfortunately, I will never know the answers to these questions. This leaves all those mixed feelings/emotions without a place to go, because the person who has the answers is gone.

It’s coming up to 9 years since my father passed away, and there is not a moment in which I don’t notice his absence. I still struggle to deal with the idea that he wasn’t there when I needed him the most. The years that would follow up his death would be the hardest for me, and his existence would’ve made it so much easier. Just to know that he was alive would've given me strength.

However, there are truths that I’ve learned to accept:

- He’s gone, and I can’t change that.

- He wasn’t a perfect father.

- He loved me.

And most importantly, this grief is human. It’s a reminder of how precious life is, and how much your life could impact someone else, even if you’re not always present in their lives. For some, it's a wake-up call to tell the ones you love that you love them and to appreciate them while they're still here.

Grief is also a maze, and not the linear journey that we’re taught it is. There may be days you can smile at the thought of a loved one. Other times, those thoughts will take you back into a state of hysteria. All of these feelings are okay, and shouldn’t be shamed or denied. Many times, people around you can make it hard to process the feelings of denial, guilt, anger, and depression that you need to feel. They’ll say positive-painted phrases like:

“Just stay strong.”

“It’ll get better.”

“You have to move on.”

While these may not be ill-intentioned comments, they can actually feed into the state of denial. It can indirectly encourage someone to push their feelings of grief aside in order to move on. Pushing your feelings aside is NOT the same thing as processing them. Whether you like it or not, those feelings will still be there even if you choose to ignore them. Doing so may end up hurting you more than you think it will.

Think of it this way: Hiding trash under your bed doesn’t make it disappear. It takes up space, and you’re only delaying the inevitable task of cleaning it up. The more you leave it there, the more it’s going to stink up and make itself known. Spraying your room with air freshener has its limits too.

It works the same way with your mind. Emotions that are left to brew over time can create pressure, stress, and release unexpected waves of negativity and despair.

Grief doesn’t have to be a lonely process either. If you can’t dig through all of those jumbled-up feelings on your own, consider reaching out for help. There are professionals out there who are trained to help you understand the complexities of your emotions and offer a different look into yourself and your process of healing.

Reach out to friends you trust and who would be comfortable with just being there for you, and keeping you company. Consider distancing yourself from those who are pressuring you to keep it moving as if nothing happened. If people are trying to fix your problems or invading your space and time of grief, let them know that you need your space. A true friend’s priority should be to make sure you know that they’re there for you. They should create a safe space to let you communicate your feelings and needs if you have them. They shouldn’t try to fix you or force you to do things you aren’t comfortable with yet.

All in all, remember that grief can be multi-layered, complicated, and messy. It’ll take time and they’ll be moments where you may struggle. You shouldn’t be ashamed of your feelings, your tears, or your smiles. Listen to your body, mind, soul, and spirit. Only you can understand what you feel and need to move forward. Just remember to take it step-by-step and don't rush it. If you take a step backwards that's completely fine too.