F stands for Fuck it.

Setting the stage in a Planet Fitness in the West end of Atlanta, Georgia. Now take a walk with me into the multiverse that is social and general anxiety. It has been almost a year since the pandemic, and equally so, since I have been inside a sweaty gym. Usually the gyms is social anxiety's playground where everyone can see how “bad my form is”, but when I was there all I could concentrate on was the fact that: there are too many people for my own comfort, I know these people ain’t really cleaning the equipment that well, and why are they allowing folks to not wear a mask?

Living in a settler colonial state during a global pandemic has just “replaced” one anxiety for another. Insert quotations because the word “replace” should be taken with a grain of salt. Existing as I do when I have to entertain the reality of white shenanigans comes gift wrapped with certain amount of weight you carry with you throughout the day depending on where you fall in the proximity line. The pandemic as traumatic as it may be ain't really touching nothing if you were already suffering. Since ni**as were still being terrorized in a pandemic, but them lil ACAB bios were cute Becky. So while me and my ancestors are never allowed to mourn, to rest, to express, to cry until it hurts, we have now added on the unforeseen future as it pertains to the safety of not only the “United states of America” but Earth as a whole.

To that I say… I am tired.

Black people are tired!

Queer folx are tired!

Indigenous folx are tired!

Women are tired!

The intersections of all of these identities are fucking tired!

I am tired of playing monopoly, it is quite literally the worst game invented in the entire human experience. Why is any of this relevant to my fresh start? Because I am simply not doing it anymore. There have been instances within the pandemic that have shown the collective that we could have had basic rights this entire time and that there are more than enough resources to go around, and to anyone reading this notate that! My fresh start is to live for myself, my ancestors, my partner, and my community. I have nothing to add to capitalism anymore. I see so many young people like me online speaking of generational wealth and I reject it wholeheartedly.

I will no longer engage in what does not feed my soul. My ancestors do not want to be millionaires, my ancestors just want to live uninterrupted in the words of Hippolyta Freeman from Lovecraft Country. I only answer to words that are sweet like honey because for most of my life I did not know that words could heal and not destroy. Growing up in a fractured family all that made sense was physical, verbal, and emotional violence, but you could never share that or it would only get worse. Are y'all picking up the patterns? I never knew what genuine love should look like until I met my current partner who blew my mind with the way they treat me on a daily basis.

Taking up my meditative practices and unpacking my own anti-blackness and internalized transphobia/homophobia has greatly improved my quality of life. I cannot fix what I did not break and I refuse to carry the weight of colonizers and their problems with existing without profit. When I listen to my Self and my ancestors it minimizes anxiety and depression because this body already knows how to protect me. My stomach knows what I like to eat, my heart knows who my loves are, my feet know where to take me, and my brain knows how to cleanse me. I am shedding off all the things I thought I would need to live happily according to Uncle Sam because all of this is made up and quite frankly capitalism is so boring and stale. My little meat sack cannot do much about it, but I can say this….

Fuck it.