Whoa! That Won’t Work For Me

Have you ever felt angry with yourself for agreeing to do something? Have you ever had a serious case of overwhelm because you agreed to do too much for yourself or others? Well, my friend, you haven’t set effective boundaries and stuck to them.

What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries are the rules and limits we set for ourselves and others. Boundaries allow us to say “no” when we want or need to do so. When we learn to set boundaries, others learn what we need and what they can expect from us. Boundaries help us to keep our life in check, working toward the life we want. They keep our relationships healthier by actively showing respect for ourselves and others.

How Do I Make A Boundary?

Before you set a boundary, you need to know your limits and values for your body, mind, and emotions. You have to know what you need, your limitations, and what is important to you.

Observe Your Thoughts and Body

Do you feel overtired? Burdened? Do you have feelings of resentment toward yourself or others? Don’t bury these feelings, use them to create your boundaries.

For example, I once had a boss who asked me to do bits of his job while he read the newspaper every day with his feet up. I began to feel angry and resentful. I said one day, “Why do you always ask me to do your work?” He said, “Because you’ll do it.” I set a boundary then and there. “I am happy to help when you are too busy and need the help, but I have a heap of my own work, which suffers when I do yours. Please don’t ask for help unless you are very busy and cannot do something important without help.”

Do you see what I did there? I evaluated what I needed and created a boundary: Thou shalt not ask me to do your work unless you have no other choice. And I was assertive, communicating clearly what I needed. I was respectful, doing nothing to create any negative feelings.

What Are Your Limits?

Before setting boundaries, it’s important to understand your limits in ordinary life situations. When you have chronic pain or illness it can be more difficult to know what your limits are. What’s different about that is that your limits may change from day to day. The great thing about boundaries is that they can make your limitations more consistent from day to day because you aren’t doing things for others, only for yourself.

How do you feel about different tasks? Let’s use laundry as an example. Let’s say every week there are eight or ten loads of laundry a week. Just thinking of all that laundry makes you irritated and exhausted, unable to do something you would enjoy because you were too tired. Three of those loads belong to your three teenagers and doing their laundry makes you feel taken advantage of. You could tell the teenagers they need to do their own laundry and give next week as a date whereby they will start doing their own laundry.

What are your values?

It always helps to know what your values are. By this, I mean your moral compass and ideals that are important to you. For example, if you don’t like guns and someone asks you to pick up a case of ammunition, you may not want to. Or, if you are a vegan and a friend wants you to try her Steak Diane to test a new recipe, you probably don’t want to do that.

By knowing your body, limits, and values, you know what tasks you want to accept. This works whether you are being asked by another person or you are asking yourself to do something.

Be Assertive And Respectful Toward Yourself and Others

There is a difference between being aggressive and being assertive. Remember the difference. It never helps to be aggressive or rude. When you are assertive, you tell someone what you want or need clearly and without ambiguity, but you do it in a kind and respectful way. With the teenagers and their laundry, you could try the following dialogue:

Mom with chronic pain: Hey kids, can we talk for a moment, please? Let’s sit at the table. (The teenagers sit down.) I notice that when I do all the laundry I get very worn out and I don’t feel well. I feel angry and I don’t want to feel that way. From now on, I’d like you to do all your own laundry. If you need some help getting out a stain or learning how to best wash your clothes, I’m here for you. If you need to get ready for a special occasion and need one load done, I’ll do that for you.

Teenagers: Okay, Mom. We can do that.

I know this may seem too easy, but you’d be surprised how well this can work. Know there may be resistance at first, but if you respectfully hold your ground you will prevail. For example, here’s a dialogue when you don’t get what you ask for.

Teenager calls from upstairs: Mom, where's my black jeans?

Mom cooking dinner: I don’t know. Where have you looked?

Teenager: They’re in the dirty clothes. Why didn’t you wash them?

Mom: We agreed you would do your own laundry. If you needed help, you should have asked and I would have thrown them in with my laundry.

Teenager: Crap! (And the teenager goes off in a little huff. He will make sure he washes his clothes, or asks for help, in the future.)

You may have a friend that doesn’t acknowledge social cues for having to get off the phone. You can say you have to get off the phone or you won’t get your work finished or have time to make dinner, whatever it is you need to do. And stick to it. If you have to hang up on the person say, “I don’t want to hang up, but I really have to go. I love you, and will talk to you soon, goodbye.” Then hang up. It may not be the first time they’ve had someone hang up. You may be helping them with other relationships.

And no, it may not be that easy. You have to be prepared for that. Sticking to your agreements is the best way to get what you need. The teenagers in my example have had their mom do all their laundry for as long as they’ve been alive. They now have to learn how to do laundry and fit it into their schedule. With kids, you may have to help them find the time in their schedule, or they can talk to each other and do it together at one time.

How to Say “No” When You Aren’t Sure You Want To Do What Is Requested Of You

There is a trick to saying “No” when you aren’t sure what you want to do. You can say, “I don’t know. I have to check my calendar and get back to you later today.” Get back with the person when you say you will. That’s only fair and respectful. The person asking may need to get another person to do the task. If you don’t want to do the task, you can email or text the person instead of facing them, if you want. “I’m not going to be able to do that thing. Sorry.” I’m not one for saying “sorry” when you aren’t, but it’s part of our culture and sometimes we need to do it for the sake of personal comfort, and not always our own. If you feel you need to say it, say it. You can also say, “I wish I could,” if you actually wish you could.

Boundaries At Work

This can be a sticky situation. After all, you have a job because you asked for one. If your boss asks you to do something after hours which you aren’t paid for, for example, that’s easy. An example is picking up dry cleaning. You need to be paid for these things that aren’t part of your job.

Only you know how you feel about things you are asked to do at work. At work, there may be times you have to do things you don’t want to do unless it is illegal or is outside your values in a concrete way. In that case, a discussion with your boss or Human Resources is necessary.

Setting and keeping boundaries is a two-way agreement that may be difficult for you to implement. It may feel awkward until it becomes normal for you. But, I can assure you it will change your life for the better. You will feel the weight lifted from your shoulders. Much of your feelings of overwhelm, and negative feelings toward others will disappear. You will feel your life is your own.

Journal Assignments

Make a list of your limitations and values.

2. Make a list of the people around whom you need to form boundaries. What are those boundaries around?

3.Write a dialogue detailing the conversations you need to have with those people.

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Thanks for reading!

Julie Hodges, The Pain Guru