The Day I Tried to Be a Morning Person (And Failed Gloriously)

The Day I Tried to Be a Morning Person (And Failed Gloriously)

You know those people who wake up at 5 AM, meditate, drink green smoothies, run a 10k, and still manage to post a perfectly filtered sunrise pic before you’ve even opened one eye? Yeah — I’m not one of them.

But recently, after reading one too many articles about “How Successful People Start Their Day”, I decided it was time to join the elite club of early risers. I figured I’d wake up with the birds, become zen, write in a leather-bound journal, and achieve inner peace before breakfast.

Spoiler alert: it did not go well.

The Alarm Betrayal

I set my alarm for 5:30 AM. This was mistake number one.

At 5:30 AM, my alarm went off sounding like a nuclear warning siren. My half-asleep brain processed this as a clear emergency — not the gentle invitation to seize the day I had intended. In my panic, I knocked my phone off the nightstand, narrowly missed my cat’s head, and somehow managed to get tangled in my own blanket like a sleep-deprived burrito.

By the time I untangled myself, it was 5:45. Off to a strong start.

Meditation Mayhem

Next up on my “new me” morning routine was meditation. The internet promised this would make me calm, focused, and radiating inner light. I sat cross-legged on the floor, closed my eyes, and took a deep breath.

At least, that was the plan.

In reality, my mind did what it always does at inappropriate times — it wandered. I remembered an embarrassing moment from third grade, mentally composed a grocery list, and debated whether I could survive the rest of my life without ever folding laundry again.

Then my cat jumped on my lap, headbutted me in the face, and knocked over my cup of herbal tea. Meditation time: 2 minutes and 17 seconds.

The Green Smoothie Incident

After surviving meditation, it was time to nourish my body with a healthy, vibrant green smoothie. The recipe called for kale, spinach, almond milk, chia seeds, and something called “maca powder” that I had no idea how to pronounce.

I threw everything into the blender and pressed the button.

The lid was not properly secured.

My kitchen now resembled a Jackson Pollock painting, if Pollock had worked exclusively in shades of green and a hint of almond milk. My cat looked genuinely offended. I’m still finding chia seeds in places I’d rather not talk about.

The Morning Run That Wasn’t

Feeling slightly defeated but determined to stay on track, I decided to go for a run. I made it about half a block before realizing two things:

• It was still dark out, and I am afraid of the dark.

• Running is terrible.

I power-walked home, using a confident jogger’s bounce when passing the one person I saw (who, by the way, was walking a poodle in a sweater and seemed way too chipper for 6 AM).

Back to Bed

By 6:45 AM, I had experienced a minor kitchen disaster, a failed meditation, a traumatic run, and an existential crisis about maca powder. I decided the healthiest thing I could do for my mind, body, and soul was to crawl back into bed.

As I pulled the blanket over my head, my phone buzzed with a notification:

“10 Habits of Highly Successful Morning People.”

Not today, Karen. Not today.

Moral of the Story?

Not everyone’s built for 5 AM wake-ups and green smoothies. And that’s okay. Happiness isn’t found in a one-size-fits-all morning routine. Sometimes, it’s found in hitting snooze, cuddling your cat, and having pancakes at noon.

Life’s too short to drink kale.