Our Values Are in Our Exceptions

Very few things in human existence are explained by absolutes. We live in a multi-hued world defined by nearly infinite shades of grey, yet when things get scary or hard, we frantically search for easy, black-and-white explanations and answers to our problems. We want things to be right or wrong. When we can’t fix those problems, unshaded absolutes make it easy to blame someone else — someone on the opposite side of our side. And they make it easy to believe that simple solutions are the answers to complex problems, or that one reason alone is the cause of a problem.

"The way parents raise kids these days is the problem!"

"No one has any respect!"

"People should be colorblind!"

We rely on our values — our “principles and standards of behavior” according to Google — to inform our search for explanations and answers, and to guide our behavior. We judge the world around us, and the people in it, through the lens of our values. We value our values. We think that the mere act of having values makes us good, moral, ethical people.

But, sometimes, we make exceptions.

It’s not okay to murder someone, but if someone is threatening your life, it’s certainly okay to defend yourself. Right? Killing is wrong, but if someone is stealing your stuff, is it okay to shoot at them to get them to stop? Is the value of your car on par with the value of your life? Of their life? Is the life of a thief worth less than the value of your car? If your life isn’t being threatened, but your property is, is it still okay to kill someone? If someone breaks into your home, you don't know their full intentions or if they have a concealed weapon. Should you shoot first and ask questions later? How do you square that with your values?

We very often make exceptions in our values for people we love. And we make excuses for inexcusable behavior if we like someone.

“Auntie is just old and set in her ways, she will never not be a bigot, and she’s been really nice to me my whole life, so I’m not going to confront her, even though I generally don’t tolerate bigots”.

“He’s too old to change.”

“But she’s nice to me!”

"I know I wouldn't tolerate that behavior in a stranger, but he's my son and I love him!"

Scruples are tough.

Most of us value honesty. But what if a lie allows you to get or keep a job you desperately need? A job that means the difference between starving and homeless or not?

“Yes, I have experience in that.”

“Yes, I graduated college.”

“No, I’ve never been in trouble with the law.”

Are you really honest when someone asks you a question and you know your honest answer will hurt them, or is it better to tell a little white lie, just a fib, to make them happy?

"I love your haircut!"

"I love your poem!"

"You look great!"

"You're very talented!"

What if stretching the truth thinner than a sheet of paper helps you get a really important point across to someone who needs to understand that point?

"I didn't really experience this myself, but someone I know did, so I'm going to say I did because you need to believe that in order to change your opinion."

I’m puzzled about the origins and seemingly exponential growth of hypocrisy and the proliferation of double standards running rampant in our society when most of us claim to have good values. If you think the answer is just one thing, you’re part of the problem.

So tell me this: are our values defined by what we say they are, or by the exceptions we make to them?