I Have Not Lost

I have not failed. That is what keep telling myself, over and over again.

Every morning, I wake up to strange silence.

Outside of my window, there are no birds. Even the sunlight filtering through the curtains feels cold.

Nonetheless, I persuade myself that I have not lost. However, to be honest, does anyone truly comprehend what it means to lose? When something quiet inside of your breaks, when your eyes don't weep but your soul crumbles.

What is the definition of that kind of loss? When the familiar faces no longer sit beside you.

When even the known scents begin to feel unfamiliar.

Are we losing? Or do we merely sit back and watch helplessly as everything fades away? There was a golden period. My days were full of laughter.

Additionally, my nights were like stories-saturated rivers. We used to talk for hours.

Dream in the same light of the moon, build castle out of words and wishes.

Now -

The words have fallen silent.

The stories have turned to ash.

And yet, sometimes when I touch that ash.

Love smells still to me....Love, resentment and silent tears.

I have not lost --

But something inside me has gone quietly hollow.

I once had light within me. A warm. glowing flame.

However, the air vanished and so the flame faded.

There was no love too.

Words are silent, eyes locked on each other - But time came and stole it away.

Without permission and without a sound.

They once said, the future is bright.

I believed them.

Every day I waited.

Hoping for that light to finally arrive.

But it never showed up. The future never helps my hand.

It left me stranded.

In a crowd of forgotten people.

Still, I didn't scream.

Because even screams go unheard here.

I knew, even if my voice trembled,

So, I chose silence.

Now, only silent crying remains-

My only truth is that. Tear no one sees,

But they echo in the deepest parts of me.

Only I can hear their singing in a key. There is nothing left - Friends, love, dreams, trust.

And yet, I remain.

This remaining-

This is the cruelest curse.

Night after night. I take a quiet seat by window. There's a tree just beyond the glass and it leaves fall one by one.

I feel like them -

Not fallen yet, just dries up.

I have not lost -

I have only watched.

Everything I ever loved.

Destroy itself in front of my eyes.

To see that,

To stand still while it happens, to experience it with each breath but not to halt it -

That is my greatest loss. I am not by myself; however, I've become isolated. To be among people.

Yet feel invisible -

It's like living in a cage no one else sees.

My diary pages are still blank.

But between every empty line.

Lie poems that were never born -

Word's I will never write verses no one ever read. Each day now feels like a fading shadow. No light, no voice. Only the breath of old memories. And yet -

I tell myself again:

I have not failed. I only waited for the future, for familiar voice and someone who may never return.

I was alive because I waited, I was also destroyed - one at a time. And finally -

I understand -I have not lost. I have merely stayed, where no one else stayed.

This is my story. Unspoken, unseen and unread - But true