Hungry Hungry Heartbreak

If you’re unlucky enough to endure the end of a romantic relationship during the end of the world (YEP, it's STILL not over!!!), here are some delicious treats and drinks sure to boost morale or at least distract from the crippling pain.

Mourner’s Margarita

1. Prep your glasses – the bigger the better – with a lime wedge, squeezing the lime onto the rim of the glass. Proceed to dip the glasses into a bowl of salt – again, the bigger the better, because SIZE DOES MATTER.

2. Prep the simple syrup. You will need 1 cup of sugar and 1 cup of water, but if you’re feeling creative – or morbidly depressed – sub tears for water. Combine tears and sugar into saucepan, bring to a boil and turn to simmer until the sugar dissolves. Cover and let cool.

3. Pour 2 oz. – by counting to two when you pour, but count VERY SLOWLY – ¾ oz. of fresh lime juice and ¾ oz. of your teary simple syrup into a cocktail shaker.

4. Fill shaker with ice and channel all of your rage into shaking the shit out of this cocktail for about 20 seconds.

5. Strain cocktail into prepped glasses, one for you and one also for you. Drink both before cooking and/or bailing on cooking to order takeout.

Kidding Yourself Kale Salad

1. If you own quinoa, make some – as instructed by the box. Don’t get your hopes up, just in case you burn it, because things seem to be failing in your life lately.

2. Grab 2-5 ounces of kale – one oz. for each thing you hate about your ex, if you’re making salad for a large party – and throw them in a bowl.

3. Cut up some cherry tomatoes and throw those in the bowl.

4. If you didn’t manage to fuck up the quinoa, throw that in the bowl as well.

5. Juice one lemon and whisk the juice with ¼ cup of olive oil. Add to bowl.

6. Spoon 4 oz. of pesto and ½ cup of grated parm into the bowl. Mix vigorously.

7. Like croutons? Get out a loaf of bread.

8. Throw the salad away because who the fuck are you kidding, kale salad? And eat the loaf of bread.

Un-Bottled Bliss

1. For a classy beverage to sip on while you prepare your dainty meal, take out the biggest glass you own.

2. Open a bottle of wine.

3. Pour as much wine as you can into the glass.

4. Finish the wine left in the bottle – or, Hell, cook with it, I don’t care!

5. Finish the glass.

6. Repeat steps 1-5 until you forget the passcode to your phone, preventing yourself from all self-sabotage.

Fuckboi Fettuccini Alfredo

1. Cook 12 oz. of long pasta – or short pasta, if you don’t give a fuck anymore – only until al dente. Drain and reserve 1 cup of the weird pasta water.

2. Add the weird water to a saucepan, and if you’re good with patience, stir in ¼ cup of butter, one piece at a time and then slowly whisk in ¾ parmesan cheese until it all dissolves into an even sauce. If you’re impatient, chuck everything in there at once and just see what the fuck happens because it’s cheese sauce and there are no wrong answers.

3. Add pasta and toss. Then dump more cheese on and some pepper (if that’s ur vibe) and binge eat the entire pan of pasta because pasta will never leave you on read.

Sickly Sweet Sugar Cookies

1. Preheat oven to 375.

2. Combine 1 tsp. baking soda, ½ tsp. baking powder and 2 ¾ cups flour in one bowl.

3. Combine 1 cup of softened butter with 1 ½ cups sugar. Add one egg and 1 tsp vanilla.

4. Combine dry and wet ingredients. Consume because if you get hospitalized for salmonella, maybe then your ex will understand why you’re better for them than their new trashy side piece.

5. Alternate ending: Find out if your ex is allergic to peanut butter. If so, sub 3 tablespoons of CREAMY pb for the egg. Combine and bake cookies for 8-10 minutes. Deliver as a breakup gift to said fuckboy.

Good luck hope u don’t get alcohol poisoning or arrested! xoxo