How to Stop Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Partners

Introduction

Have you ever found yourself stuck in relationships where the emotional connection feels one-sided? Maybe your partner seems distant, detached, or incapable of opening up, leaving you feeling confused and unfulfilled. It can feel like you’re doing all the emotional labour, yet nothing ever truly changes.

If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. Many people find themselves repeatedly attracting emotionally unavailable partners, even when they’re seeking love and connection. The good news? It doesn’t have to be this way. By understanding the underlying reasons for this pattern, you can break free and start attracting the emotionally present, fulfilling relationships you truly deserve.

What Does "Emotionally Unavailable" Mean?

Before diving into how to stop attracting emotionally unavailable partners, it's important to understand what emotionally unavailable means.

An emotionally unavailable person is someone who:

Struggles to connect on a deep, emotional level.

Avoids intimacy, often keeping conversations superficial.

Has difficulty expressing emotions and might shut down when feelings are discussed.

Isn’t comfortable with vulnerability and tends to push others away when they get too close.

This could be due to past trauma, fear of getting hurt, or simply not knowing how to navigate emotions in a healthy way. It often leaves the other person feeling frustrated, neglected, and wondering why their partner can’t seem to meet their emotional needs.

Why Do We Attract Emotionally Unavailable Partners?

It’s easy to assume that attracting emotionally unavailable people is a result of bad luck. But more often than not, it has to do with unconscious patterns we’ve developed over time. These patterns can stem from several sources:

Past Trauma and Attachment Styles

Our early experiences with caregivers shape how we approach relationships. If we grew up in environments where love was inconsistent, neglectful, or unavailable, we might unconsciously seek out partners who mirror those dynamics. Insecure attachment styles, such as anxious or avoidant, can also create a pull towards emotionally unavailable individuals.

Fear of Vulnerability

Sometimes, we may attract emotionally unavailable partners because deep down, we're afraid of being vulnerable ourselves. We might have experienced rejection or betrayal in the past, leading us to subconsciously choose partners who aren’t ready to open up, thus keeping us emotionally safe, though unfulfilled.

Low Self-Worth or Belief in "Unattainable" Love

If you have low self-esteem or feel unworthy of a healthy, emotionally connected relationship, you might find yourself gravitating towards people who can’t offer the emotional depth you crave. You might even feel a sense of “I don’t deserve better,” which leads to staying in relationships that reinforce this belief.

A Habit of Fixing or Saving Others

Some individuals are drawn to the idea of “saving” others—especially if their partner is emotionally unavailable or has emotional wounds of their own. This can stem from a need to feel needed or validated by being the one who “fixes” the other person. Unfortunately, this often leads to a cycle of emotional neglect.

How to Stop Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Partners

Breaking the pattern of attracting emotionally unavailable partners requires self-awareness, healing, and conscious effort. Here are actionable steps to stop repeating the cycle and start attracting emotionally healthy, available individuals:

1. Understand and Heal Your Attachment Style

As mentioned earlier, your attachment style plays a significant role in the kinds of relationships you attract. If you tend to attract emotionally unavailable partners, it's worth exploring your attachment style. There are generally four types:

Secure: Comfortable with intimacy and emotional closeness.

Anxious: Craves closeness and tends to be overly dependent on the partner’s approval.

Avoidant: Keeps emotional distance and struggles with vulnerability.

Disorganised: A mix of anxious and avoidant traits, often stemming from childhood trauma.

Understanding your attachment style can help you become more conscious of how it affects your relationships. If you have an insecure attachment style, seek therapy or self-help resources to heal old wounds and develop healthier attachment patterns. Self-reflection, journaling, and therapy are great tools for this process.

2. Work on Your Self-Worth

If you often find yourself settling for emotionally unavailable partners, it could be a reflection of how you view yourself. Do you believe you deserve love, connection, and emotional intimacy? If not, it might be time to work on building your self-esteem.

Start by:

Practising self-love and self-care.

Identifying negative beliefs you hold about yourself (e.g., "I'm not good enough" or "I don’t deserve love").

Replacing these beliefs with positive affirmations and actions that reinforce your worth.

When you begin to value yourself and recognise that you deserve an emotionally available partner, you'll naturally start to seek out healthier relationships.

3. Set Healthy Boundaries

One of the most important aspects of attracting emotionally available partners is setting boundaries. If you're always willing to sacrifice your emotional needs for the sake of a relationship, you're more likely to attract individuals who aren’t emotionally present.

Healthy boundaries allow you to:

Protect your emotional well-being.

Communicate your needs clearly.

End toxic or unhealthy relationships before they get too deep.

By setting and respecting your boundaries, you create space for emotionally available partners who will respect your needs and give as much as they take.

4. Heal From Past Relationships

Emotional baggage from past relationships can cloud your judgment and make it harder to recognise emotionally unavailable partners. To stop repeating the same cycle, you need to heal and let go of past hurts.

Take time to:

Reflect on past relationships and identify patterns.

Forgive yourself and others for mistakes and hurt caused.

Practice letting go of any resentment or attachment to past partners.

When you’re free from emotional baggage, you’ll be able to approach new relationships with clarity and a healthier mindset.

5. Learn to Recognise Red Flags Early

One of the most powerful ways to stop attracting emotionally unavailable partners is to learn to recognise the signs early on. Emotional unavailability doesn’t usually show up all at once—it often reveals itself in small, subtle ways.

Some red flags to watch out for include:

Avoidance of serious conversations or deep emotional topics.

Inconsistency in communication—either too little or too much, without real emotional depth.

A lack of effort or investment in the relationship.

An unwillingness to compromise or communicate openly about needs.

By recognising these red flags early, you can prevent yourself from getting too emotionally invested in someone who isn’t able to meet your needs.

6. Focus on Personal Growth and Healing

Sometimes, the best way to attract emotionally available partners is to focus on your own emotional growth. The healthier you are emotionally, the better equipped you'll be to recognise and attract a partner who is equally emotionally available.

Engage in:

Therapy or counselling to work through any past trauma.

Self-care routines that nurture your emotional health.

Mindfulness and meditation to stay in tune with your emotions and needs.

When you’re at your best, you’ll naturally start attracting people who are at their best too.

Conclusion

Attracting emotionally unavailable partners can be frustrating and heartbreaking. However, by understanding the underlying causes and taking proactive steps toward healing, self-love, and healthy boundaries, you can break free from this cycle.

Remember, you deserve a partner who is emotionally present, willing to communicate openly, and ready to invest in the relationship. It’s time to stop attracting emotionally unavailable partners and start creating space for the healthy, fulfilling relationship you’ve always wanted.

Start by focusing on yourself, recognising the patterns, and making conscious choices. The more you work on attracting a healthy relationship with yourself, the more likely you are to attract an emotionally available partner who values you for who you truly are.

What to Do Next?

Reflect on your current relationship patterns. Are you attracting emotionally unavailable partners?

Work on healing past wounds through self-reflection, therapy, and journaling.

Set healthy boundaries and communicate your needs clearly.

Stay patient: The right partner will come when you are emotionally available to receive them.