How to Poop in the Woods

I’ve lived on the edge of a gorgeous national forest for four years. In all my time out there exploring and learning the land, the only thing I can say for certain is that nobody has taught you, John Q Public, how to take a proper shit in the woods, or other inconvenient locations.

Allow me a moment to explain why leaving your toilet paper, turds and hygiene products anywhere other than a sanitary receptacle makes you a terrible person. There are some easy solutions, and even quirky products, to assist you on your quest to improve your standing among human beings who are fully potty trained.

It should seem obvious that there’s a gross factor for whatever poor soul comes along behind you and/or has to clean up after you. It isn’t your mommy.

If basic human decency isn’t reason enough to convince you to adapt sensible waste disposal habits, maybe the specter of a horrific, preventable, deadly disease outbreak will do the trick? Remember that period mess with bloody poops you left on the bank of that swimming hole, you filthy disease-spreader?

We don’t have massive cholera die-offs anymore because someone discovered that it’s a bad idea to shit where you drink (and swim!).

Other people do know of these little gems off the beaten path in the forest or up a small dirt road. You are not alone. That is not your little secret outhouse where Mother Nature comes along after you leave with disinfecting wipes and a pooper scooper.

City people can probably best relate to this experience like walking into a gas station bathroom… that’s open to where you just swam. Ew.

Enough with the guilt trip! Sometimes, we just have to take a little extra care. Follow these easy steps from the USDA to immediately improve your standing among your fellow human beings:

To dispose of feces, dig a hole 6 inches deep and AT LEAST 200 FEET AWAY FROM ANY WATER SOURCE (creeks, wetlands, springs, or lakes).

When you're done, fill the hole with the dirt you dug up and take your toilet paper with you to dispose of in a proper waste container.

Never defecate or leave toilet paper on top of the ground, it could easily get into the local water source and contaminate it.

Empty built-in or portable toilets at sanitary dump stations.

This list probably means you should make it a point to either pack, or keep, a few things to make being hygienic that much easier! Paper bags, your favorite TP and something to dig a small hole with.

Paper bags top the list because you will want something to transport your used toilet paper and/or products out of the forest. Plastic bags are bad for the environment and often transparent. If a plastic bag gets away from you and into the water system, well, there goes another sea turtle and you’re back to being a jerk.

This may come as a shock to some folks with a vagina; you do not actually have to have toilet paper to go pee. Your piles of potty trash are absolutely awful at every highway pull out, view point and side road. If you can’t figure out a way to take your paper with you, simply give your hoohaw a little shimmy and jiggle to shake off droplets. Remember, if you shake more than three times, you’re masturbating.

A product you may want to consider are the various lines of female urinating aids. Products like the she-wee cup the vagina with a funnel hose to expel the urine away from your body, much like a penis, but in fun colors or black.

As we consider our warm weather adventures under the real possibility many of us could still be staycationing because of COVID, please be a little more mindful of your bodily functions for all of our sake. Your fellow wilderness social distancers and swimming hole connoisseurs genuinely appreciate it.