You Can’t Rape the Willing

He said he loved me. He said I was safe. But he lied – on purpose – to access my body. That’s not consent. That’s rape.

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“You can’t rape the willing,”

he used to joke, laughing in my face.

He said it casually, repeatedly, like it was clever. Like he was untouchable.

But let me tell you what that joke really meant – because it was not a joke.

It was a confession of a crime, a mask torn from the face of evil.

It was the truth wrapped in cruelty, hidden behind laughter.

And now I’m ready to say it out loud:

He raped me. For four years. While calling it love.

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He Lied to Me So I Would Say Yes

When I met him, I was open. Vulnerable. I told him everything:

• That I was sober since 2006.

• That I had been sexually used and discarded before.

• That I had fought hard to reclaim my worth.

• That I only wanted deep, honest love.

• That I believed sex was sacred.

He looked into my eyes and said I was safe with him.

He said I was his queen.

He called himself my pit bull – loyal, protective.

He married me.

And it was all a lie.

Behind my back, he was lusting after others and smearing my name.

He was lying.

He was using synthetic testosterone pills without telling me.

He was hiding in the bathroom messaging strangers.

He was degrading me with fantasies I never agreed to.

He raged at me constantly.

He called his betrayal love.

But it wasn’t love.

It was manipulation.

And that manipulation was used to gain sexual access to me.

That is not consent.

That is rape.

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What Is Consent Without Truth?

Consent requires truth.

Consent requires clarity.

Consent requires freedom of choice.

If someone withholds the truth, distorts reality, gaslights you, or pretends to be someone they are not – then you are not giving real consent.

If I had known who he truly was,

I never would have married him.

I never would have had sex with him.

I never would have let him touch me.

And he knew that.

So he performed love in order to gain access to my body.

That is not a misunderstanding.

That is rape by deception.

That is psychological warfare on the most sacred level.

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He Took Pleasure in My Degradation

He rolled his eyes when I said love turns me on.

He said he wanted to see me raped by strangers.

He pushed for sexual experiences I didn’t want,

Then blamed me for not being adventurous enough.

I said I wanted to be cherished.

He wanted me degraded.

I said I wanted a home.

He wanted a performance.

He got off on my confusion, my fear, my pain.

He liked seeing me crumble.

He fed on my despair.

He told me he loved me, even as he destroyed me.

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This Was Attempted Murder of My Spirit

Yes, he coerced and withheld $57,000 from me.

Yes, he emotionally abused me.

Yes, he gaslit and degraded me for years.

But what hurts more than anything is knowing:

He raped me while pretending to love me.

And then laughed about it.

And the world lets men like this go on smiling in public.

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Why I’m Writing This

Because I’m not the only one.

So many women are raped in this way – under the illusion of romance, trust, loyalty, and intimacy. And they question themselves, because their “yes” was based on lies, not informed choice.

So let me make this very, very clear:

• If someone lies to get sex, it is not consent.

• If someone pretends to love you while secretly betraying and exploiting you, it is not consent.

• If you would not have said yes had you known the truth, then it is rape.

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I Am Still Here

He wanted to erase me.

But I am still here.

I am rebuilding my life, my art, my spirit.

I am making beauty out of ash.

I am reclaiming my body, my voice, my story.

And I am telling the truth – even when it hurts, even when it roars, even when it rises like sacred fire in my throat.

If you’ve been through something like this,

You are not alone.

You are not broken.

You are not to blame.

And you are allowed to call it what it is.

Rape. Abuse. Theft. Betrayal.

But also: Survival. Resurrection. Rebirth. Power.

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#TraumaSurvivor #NarcissisticAbuse #ConsentMatters #SexualAssaultAwareness #HealingJourney