Workplace Apocalypse

Crumbling brick walls replace cubicles. Tattered blankets act as doors. People rely on barrel fires spread throughout for warmth. A wall marks those who've fallen. When you open your eyes, however, you realize it's not a post-apocalyptic world; it's your toxic workplace. If you’ve recently woken up to the realities of your employer, consider the following tips as your crash course for navigating your new world till redemption.

Autocracy. If any sort of system exists, recognize that it’s an autocracy. Sometimes there are mini autocracies (read: silos) within the company in which your line manager acts as a shield to some extent for their group. But this loose protection comes at a cost as blind loyalty is required. Beware - if your boss has been employed there a while, the system has infected them. They do not have the best interest of you, the team or even the company at heart. They got their role because they sacrificed someone or something to get there and they will do it again to protect their status, no matter the cost to the company.

Each silo operates disjointed from the others, protecting their food source. There is no collaboration as you all attempt progress towards the common good – company profits - making flourishing difficult.

Henchman. Remember this carefully: HR is not your friend. They are loyal only to their tyrant and even then, there’s a hierarchy. HR carries out every nefarious deed the tyrant can imagine. They smile sweetly at you while they maraud the office.

The Fallen. When HR sends an email about someone “no longer employed with the company“ you swear your inbox makes a cannon sound. Simultaneously, when someone resigns, HR instructs them to finish out any accrued PTO and never return to the office. Management cannot have that sort of virus about better conditions floating around infecting the others.

Survivors. Every employee not in a position of management is a survivor. Don’t let this description mislead you. If The Walking Dead has taught us anything, it's that survivors are doing what they can to survive another day.

Suspicion. Which brings me to the next point - suspect everyone. Team mates, receptionist, HR. Even that innocent new-hire you saved from becoming apocalyptic roadkill at the water cooler will eventually turn on you (because survival).

Cage Fights. Reports are pit against each other. Management speaks negatively to one report about another report, encourages gossip, and asks reports to spy on each other. Then, there's the non-verbals: eye-rolling, interrupting, avoidance and dismissal. Peers do not speak up because they are inwardly afraid they’ll also be outcast.

Hoarding. Nope, not food and supplies. We're talking information here, folks, and information is currency. All discussions take place behind closed doors. Putting anything into writing is suspect or discouraged. Sharing information means sharing power and control. Documentation means the manager isn’t free to change their mind at will because someone may hold them accountable in the future.

Silence. As you move around the office, which you only do when absolutely necessary, you're most unsettled by the silence. Silence has a two-fold purpose. Management and the henchmen use silence to oppress the staff. The staff uses silence to stay hidden. Do not alert others you've arrived at the office. Speak only when spoken to. Do not present an idea in a meeting. Only be seen talking with someone from your own clan but not for too long or management will suspect a coup. Survival means staying quiet and getting your work done.

How to survive your workplace apocalypse? Your choices are to forgo integrity by participating in the dog-eat-dog mentality or play yes-man until saved by an outside group (i.e. find another job).