Why I Chose to Take a Gap Year

Okay, so I just graduated high school on Sunday, and i’m not planning on going to college until the following school year. My whole life is not at all how I imagined when I was younger.

How did I get here?

I had this plan that I made the 5th grade that I would study hard all throughout middle and high school, get amazing grades, get much better at design, and get into a 4 year college right away to start my architecture career. I know, what kind of 10 year old was planning their whole future? It wasn’t the whole “I want to be an architect when I grow up!”. It was more like “I need to get into these specific colleges, need this score on my SAT, have to get good grades in these certain classes, and need to get a job just incase scholarships and student aid aren’t enough.” What kind of 10 year old thinks that ?!

I was raised by my Mexican immigrant parents. I wasn’t poor growing up, but my parents did struggle with money and financial stability. I always heard my parents say to do well in school, so that in the future I will have a good paying career. All the time. It became even worse when I was deemed ‘gifted’ in the second grade. I absolutely hated being different as a kid, economically, culturally, and now intelligently?

I was eventually transferred to a Magnet school, a school for gifted kids or whatever. I attented from 5th-8th grade. This is where all the pressure started to get to me. I had higher expectations from not only my parents, my extended family, my friends at my old school, and now my new teachers and classmates. Everyone there was intimidatingly smart, once again, I felt out of place.

Here, your future career was everything. I remember doing so many projects on what kind of career I wanted to do, how much money I was going to make, what kind of schooling will I need, what kind of lifestyle will I be able to afford, all that at the ripe age of 11-12.

I remember one morning before school, I was standing in the hallway with one of my friends I made that year. She points at a school logo on the announcement board and says among the lines of, “I’m going to go to MIT, do you know which college are you going to go?”. She was a 5th grader who already decided she wanted to go to MIT. (But she didn’t, she’s going to the University of Michigan to study economics. I’m still proud of you, Lorena)

How I got there

I was just one of the unlucky bunch who got burnout and developed some pretty intense mental illnesses and basically ruined her future because she couldn’t keep it together any longer. Of course, I don’t feel bad for myself or want anyone to sympathize for me. It’s just what happened.

After my diagnosis and hospitalization, I wasn’t the same. My grades plummeted and I felt so worthless. The only thing that made my parents proud of me was gone. I had a very narrow view on my life and gave up on everything I planned for the future.

With the way I was raised (or wasn’t), I didn’t rely on anyone. I was always smart, mature, and independent, so crying out for help when I was struggling was definitely not an option. I always thought that if I ever received help, this image of me created by others would be broken. I wouldn’t be seen as smart and independent anymore.

Now

I regret very much not asking for help when I was hurting myself. Instead of digging myself out, I was digging myself deeper into the problem. But obviously, the past already happened, and what we should we be focused on is the future. Wrong! Thinking about the future was literally what got me into this mess.

What I needed to do was to live in the now. I have no idea what lies for me in the future, but I can’t have it be on my mind 24/7 or the future will already be here. That is why I chose to take a gap year. I may never be able to take back those year mental illness took from me, but I do have a whole year to enjoy what it could’ve been.

(that and because I still have no good portfolio, enough money for nyit, plus my sister’s student debt)