When The Dust Settles

She's going to love it, I heard a friend of mine whisper. Almost there another friend said sounding like she was filled with excitement. Okay stop! I heard my brother say, time to take off the blindfold.

My heart was pounding as my eyes adjusted from going from darkness to light.

Welcome to 40! They all screamed, with a sad looking birthday banner in my friends backyard that read the same,hung under her weeping willow tree. How depressing and What the actual fuck, I thought as I tried as hard as I could to fake a smile at the sea of people staring back at me with high expectations. They were all leaning in towards me like they were listening to their favourite band on stage. The irony of this image was that I wanted to rip down the banner and smash it like a guitar at a rock concert. The inner tug of war was real. The battle of two wolves. I cleared my throat still deciding which one was going to win.

Well... My brother asked searching my face for a reaction. What do you think?

What do I think I said, I repeating my brother's question with my arms open wide and twirling around. I sudden realized why Harley Quinn Went crazy. It wasn't because she loved the Joker. No, It was because she loved him more than she loved herself. Her craziness was byproduct of her breaking free of other peoples expectations, it might not have been in a healthiest of ways but right now,in this moment I totally understood it.

I laughed hysterically, knowing this wasn't going to end well. No one really wanted my actual answer. No, that would bring tears to peoples eyes. They all wanted me to lie to them and act like I liked this horrible setting of an over crowed backyard with a melting ice cream cake in the middle and pieces of confetti in my eyes was my dream party .They wanted me to pretend this is what my 40 year old heart desired.

And the irony of it all is, I am surrounded by people who have known me for years yet they threw me a surprise party, the thing I hate most of all. My anxiety was high and to cover it up I laughed harder and many started laughing with me. In my friend group I am the joker, in my family I am the planner and in my relationship, I am secretary that makes sure things run smoothly.

With my hands on my knees still lightly chuckling, I looked up at my tribe of people and whispered to myself, fuck it. I hope their prepared for the honesty that's coming.

No, I said smiling trying to soften the blow. No, I don't like it,it's not my vibe at all. I walked over to the DJ table and asked him for a mic. Time to display my hidden rapping talent and shut this party down right.

I asked the DJ to spin a track and the song Dream by The Game came on.

I'm about to hurt some feelings, I knew but I couldn't think of a better way to evolve.

With the mic in my hand, I said testing, testing, is this thing on? and once the crowd stared in my direction, I started to rap my made up song.

Thank you all for coming out,

I can see you put in no thought

after years of knowing me,

It's a joke, that all of you thought

this is something I would want,

A crowded place,on one if the hottest days

without even a pool?

Some of the people you all invited

I haven't seen since elementary school!

But hey what does it matter right?When your always the friend that smiles,

The fact that you all look shocked right now

Is blowing my 40 year old mind

I'm backed into a corner now

so now I'm throwing truth bombs

for the rest of the night.

No I did not want this shindig

And yes I feel just fine

The best part of this golden age

Is freely speaking my mind.

Letting you all down softly

Mr. Bean style.

No expectation, No rules and apparently no red wine

I Thank you all for the effort but this shit just isn't my vibe.

With that said. I dropped the mic. Most of my friends facial expressions were frozen between half smiles and sadden faces. I picked up a bottle of Girls Night Out and started walking towards the exit.

Just as I was about to push the gate, all my friends started clapping.

There she is they yelled. 40 my ass!

I got teary eyed looking at them. Remembering the day I met each one. They were my peace my essence, my tribe.

.