When Professionals Confuse Transparency with Intimacy

I’ll never forget that moment. I had a challenging and confrontational meeting scheduled, and I was nervous about it. At the time, I had very little experience managing difficult work conversations. So, I dialed up a trusted friend with expertise in the matter and invited her to lunch so I could pick her brain.

In this context, it was a human resources colleague with way more experience on the finesse of difficult conversations than I had. As she walked me through her best practices for this kind of situation, she used an example from her personal experience to demonstrate her point of view.

Personal examples can be great way to establish connection and demonstrate empathy. However, in this case, the example my friend used involved a very personal confrontation she had with her mother about infidelity.

I still can’t believe that was the example she lead with.

She meant well. But I was trying so hard to avoid the sordid details of her parents affairs that I fake-participated in the entire conversation and missed any good advice that she ultimately offered.

My friend attempted to connect with me through her own vulnerability. But she made a rookie mistake in that she took it a bit too far. Many people do in their attempts to connect with other human beings. Social media is indicative of it.

Take a moment to consider how many business owners and corporate leaders post on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. They share images of their personal lives, thoughts on the latest book they’ve read, as well as their personal insights. We all feel that we “get” Richard Branson, Tim Ferriss, Oprah, or Neil Patel because they show up in our newsfeeds in informal ways all the time.

But it’s essential to take a step back and consider that there’s a difference between transparency and intimacy. There’s a fine line between being vulnerable and oversharing.

Over the years, I’ve developed rather strict rules about how I share my social media accounts. It’s no fun to scroll through your feed on a relaxing Friday evening and come upon a colleague who’s venting about their boss — who just so happens to be a close professional peer of yours. I’ve even had experiences with a vendor who friended me on Facebook then went through a messy divorce. I saw a half dozen posts detailing his (soon-to-be) ex-wife's romantic pursuits before I gave up and unfriended him.

Social media isn’t the only place where I’ve seen people backed into the TMI corner by colleagues, business partners, or customers. Friends have told me about emails, blog posts, and videos they’re received which cross the line into intimate matters. They’re stunned by the oversharing and looking for validation. Am I really reading this right? Did he really just say what I think he said?

Transparency lets others know that you understand them and their situation. You’ve been there. You may even be there at the current moment. Content is compelling when it bonds us through our collective human experience, and one of the ways that happens is through the transparent and vulnerable information you put out into the world.

But it should never feel icky, awkward, and uncomfortable to your audience. Let’s face it, some things are better left for your best friends or the therapist’s couch.

How do you assure that you’re on the right side of the line between transparency and intimacy? Here are a few tips to help you avoid undermining your authority and making people feel weird.

Do share real stories and current topics that are meaningful. Even if the topic is tough, it’s ok to share if the context demonstrates personal growth, positive steps towards progress, or valuable lessons learned. Focusing on the best of a hard situation is awesome. Sharing despair, hopelessness, or helplessness is never a good idea. Those conversations are what your inner circle is for.

Do remember that you are an authority figure. Your audience is looking for you to show up as a leader. Sharing content that shows you are human, fallible, and vulnerable is part of that. Sharing content that exposes your innermost secrets is an inappropriate intimacy.

Do wait to share. Sometimes you are not in the best place to share information. If you are experiencing a difficult time, it might be best to wait things out and share the journey in hindsight. You may be too emotionally attached to share your thoughts with your tribe too soon.

Don’t send the wrong message. Being vulnerable can backfire when it crosses into intimacy. Not everyone wants a deep, intimate relationship with you. Forcing people into uncomfortable situations by oversharing will undermine your expertise and authority. Be sure your content puts you in the proper light and doesn’t look like a spotlight on every skeleton in your closet.

Don’t forget to share the whole journey. Follow up on your content with closure. Letting your tribe know how you solved a difficult problem, overcame a setback, or conquered a fear gives them the full range of information that signals you’re a well-rounded person who doesn’t just talk the talk — you walk the walk.

Don’t share difficult content without a second set of eyes. Being transparent can feel powerful, and it definitely helps people relate to you. But I suggest that you have a trusted colleague or advisor review your material if it skates the edge of intimacy.

So the next time you’re about to hit the send button on your latest post, take a moment to ask yourself, “Is this information something you’d want to discuss face-to-face with an acquaintance?” If not, tone down the message, knowing your impact will be significantly improved.