What If We Stopped Calling Adoption Beautiful?

Religious, those who can not conceive on their own, and the list goes on when it comes to where we hear the word adoption thrown around. Among those groups, we also have people who have already adopted for many different reasons. Some are good experiences, some not so great.

Let’s define the word adoption. Adoption (Oxford Languages) is the action or fact of legally taking another’s child and bringing it up as one’s own, or the fact of being adopted. After reading the definition, what is your first thought? Are they just words? Are they bringing up any emotions? I would encourage you to write your thoughts down and think about it. Get curious about where those thoughts came from!

The Truth

Growing up adopted is hard. At least it was for me and many that I have talked to; leaving people I cared about and viewed as my family at the age of 7 was and still is excruciating. To this day, I vividly remember getting in the car and waving as I fought back tears; watching my foster family grow smaller and smaller. There was nothing I could do about it. They were gone and that was it.

Years passed and everyone around me knew. I was fine with it and honestly proud as well. I loved and still love being Hungarian. A whole different heritage and world that many do not know. No one knew I was struggling so much with feeling out of place. I never felt like I belonged here at all, just playing along and saying what people wanted me to say- mostly about adoption. At the same time, I wasn’t much of a people pleaser so I butted heads quite a few times in regards to issues.

No one ever asked the kids how they were doing, why would they ask? Everyone thought adoption was the best thing ever, the focus mainly being on the parents. Thank God the narrative is changing when it comes to this and it makes it a little bit better. Or bearable.

The Wrong Word

Beautiful — For who? A child gets taken from their family. A small child is abandoned. A child’s past is erased for the comfort of the new “parents”. A child’s documents are falsified so a couple can take the child. A child gets stripped of safety for the sake of others. But adoption is ‘beautiful”. Now, you may label me as bitter, and angry; I am perfectly fine with that. Whatever you label me as, please listen.

I have talked to many people about adoption. Adoptees, adopters, and those who just have an opinion. Out of these groups of people, I have heard those who have adopted and those who have an opinion on adoption, call adoption “beautiful”. Did you notice I did not include adoptees in there? Interesting, isn't it? I have not talked to an adoptee who has made that statement. I have talked to a decent amount of these wonderful people; in person and on Facebook support groups.

Thought On Why People Insist It’s “Beautiful”

For some, they think adoption is beautiful because they now have a child. Some because a child is given a home, while others because it gives a sense of doing good in the world or they were conditioned to think it is beautiful. But what if it’s not that simple? Have you ever thought deeper than these few statements? Or have you ever considered these reasons?

Sometimes we see things, and without knowing much about them we make a quick statement or even pick a side. Label it as something we see fit or in a way that makes us comfortable. We all do it; I would be lying if I said I don’t do that personally; even though I tend to be more of a research person. It is natural to do so! We want to associate something tragic with something opposite. Yet, what if something tragic just became more tragic? What if it just got a little better? What if it is genuinely beautiful to the person that was adopted? I know some out there think that. That’s awesome!

Is there a better word?

Honestly, I don’t think there is a word that can convey an average experience for every adoptee. For me, I would say “hard”, “complex”, “lonely” or “messy”. These words are ones I have also heard adoptees say when they talk about their experience. But, in the same breath, I’ve heard “It was okay” or “I didn’t care enough”. These are all very real and raw experiences that should be listened to. More so than those who lack education in this department.

An example to consider: We see families ripped apart and terrible things happen before or after a divorce; yet, we never call it beautiful. So why adoption?

What words would you use?

An Encouragement

Now that you understand a little more of a different perspective, I would encourage you to let an adoptee define adoption for themselves. The narrative you have of adoption, especially if you are someone who was not adopted, is dramatically different and could even be completely wrong. Let the adoptee define the adoption experience and let them share so you can understand a little more about their perspective. Even if it’s not what you want to hear.

If you read this far, feel free to answer the questions throughout the article and share your thoughts in the comments. Please be respectful of those with differing thoughts :)