Walmart Owners Offer Employees 3% Discount On “Dumpster Diving Classes”

“Times are tough. Everybody knows that. I mean I think I heard that somewhere or something.” Ronnie Walton, one of the heirs to the Walmart fortune said Friday at a press conference called by the $130 Billion dollar Waltons, owners of Walmart. The U.S.’s largest employer is set to roll out a new plan to help Walmart employees with their household budgets.

“You have to ‘tighten your belts’ and to that end the Walton family is offering Walmart employees budgeting and financial planning courses, at a substantially reduced rate. I mean a discount of 3% is nothing to sneeze at, so they’re only paying $240.00 per employee, which conveniently comes right off their paycheque so it’s like it never even happened.”

Some employees have balked at having to take the course which is now retroactively considered a mandatory part of initial employee training but the Waltons are defending the decision to make the course mandatory, “Look, it’s impossible to live on what we pay and we have to make sure that our employees are trained to understand that you can safely dumpster dive for perfectly good FREE food with the right gloves and the training to sniff out potentially deadly bacteria. You can learn to differentiate between a WANT like Kobe steak, and a NEED, like leftover KD, and also between salmonella and e-coli.”

One employee who has taken the course, is happy she did and is now a veteran diver is Loretta Camerari, a ten year employee. “I don’t give a crap what anyone says, I loved that fucking course. You know how much good shit people chuck? You wouldn’t believe what people chuck. People will chuck brand new shit, shit in the box. Shit still in the fucking box like what the fuck? I’ve now pulled out of the dumpsters way more than it cost me, I mean I’ve pulled out Mac and Sephora make-up, a in the box breast bump I sold on Facebook for twenty bucks, a DKNY sweater, tags still on! Who throws a DKNY sweater in a dumpster? Rich goddamned people, that’s who and that’s where you go.”

She paused to light a smoke, “These here? I got these out of the dumpster, some richie rich tryin’ a quit probably cause of all, all the pressure cause of all the money. Money ain’t nothing but a burden when you got too much. Take it from me. I know a girl from high school got rich, she’s always bitchin’ on Facebook about her troubles, big troubles and what was I talkin’ about anyway? Oh, ya, ya, duh, the areas. The AREAS. Now, here ain’t no good to dive, there’s just Walmart and crap around here. You wanna dive the good areas and because Walmart’s instructors are so smart they drove us around to where the best dumpsters are. We all know what dumpsters to hit up. For stuff, like, non-perishables. For the food, same, go to the nice places, the fancy restaurants like Joey’s and Boston Pizza and stuff, that’s where you get the high end posh food. Got a ham and pineapple pizza last week, took it home, nuked it up, so fuckin’ good, put my feet up, watched Netflix. Perfect. I have the perfect fuckin’ life.”

Suggestions that Walmart increase wages, or that wages haven’t kept pace with the cost of living in the last three decades had Moira Walton- McGinnis Campbell-McDonald quickly rebuking the suggestion, “The stock markets are flourishing. And everyone knows if the stock markets are flourishing and people are trading up their yachts then the workers are doing great too. And maybe they are even trading in the — what is that Asian car called — Toroda? Tormato? Troyroto? Those little cars, but listen, if you buy a BIGGER vehicle you could live in it and park right at work. Now wouldn’t that save our employees a lot? They don’t think of these savings strategies. We have to hold our employees hands all the time, well, and open them, because you know they help themselves in the store, don’t they.”

Ronnie Walton smiled at that, “And those are the kind of great tips our employees are getting for only $240, the price of a cheap lunch.”