Tired of Trying

October 28, 2024 – 12:00 pm

Jehovah, to be completely honest, I am coming to you through Jesus because I don’t know where else to turn. I’m not happy anymore, and I never wanted to pray to you because it feels like my life just keeps getting worse every time I do. I’ve told you over and over that I’m in desperate need of income. I’ve been so depressed, overwhelmed with sadness that feels like it’s consuming me from the inside out, and I’m just so tired of all of this. I don’t even know why I’m praying right now, to be honest. Nothing seems to change no matter how many times I pour my heart out to you. I can’t seem to get a stable income no matter how hard I try. I’m genuinely glad that people around me can at least see that I’m trying my best to stay on the straight and narrow. But now I’m reaching a point where I’m wondering, why am I even trying anymore? What’s the point when I can’t even afford to keep doing this? I’m angry. I feel this deep rage inside me, and I don’t know what to do with it. And on top of everything, I can’t stop thinking about Julio.

It’s like this sadness has become my constant companion. Every time I check my email, check my WhatsApp, do email marketing, or apply for jobs, the sadness is there. I do the assessments, the intro videos, all the things I’m supposed to do, but nothing seems to work. Is it that you hate me? How can I be trying so hard to get out of this situation, yet things just keep getting worse? I didn’t even get a single EA client, no VA clients, no social media management clients. I’m promoting services, spending money that I don’t even have just to run ads and register my business, and yet I haven’t gotten a single client. Not even one.

How am I supposed to feel about this? What exactly do you want from me? Why does it feel like everything I do is a problem, no matter how much effort I put in?

I asked to be married, and what did I get? The worst man I could have ever met. I’m not blaming you for that, but still, it happened. I asked for my money back from Lorenzo (aka the thief), and even now, I can’t get it back. I asked you for stable income, and yet here I am, still stuck. Every month, I apply to more than 100 jobs, and not a single opportunity has come my way. It feels like no one can ever say I’m not trying, because I am. I’m doing everything I know how to do. I’ve asked you for help, and yet my life keeps getting progressively worse. I’ve prayed so many times, told you how I’m feeling, and yet here I am, watching other people move on with their lives, living better than ever, while I’m stuck in this struggle.

I just don’t have it in me to keep doing this.

It’s so confusing to me. People who don’t even know you are living way better than I am. Why is that? I don’t understand why my life has to get worse, why I have to struggle this much. What did I do that was so wrong that I’m being punished like this? It feels like I’m cursed. My mental health is getting worse and worse, and I don’t want this life anymore if this is all there is to it. Even since I’ve been reinstated, things haven’t gotten better for me. Sure, I can move around more, I can go places, and I’ve gotten better at distracting myself, but the things I really want, the things that matter to me, I can’t seem to get.

And even if I did something wrong, haven’t I already paid the price for it? Why does it still feel like I’m being punished? What am I supposed to do now? Go through another month like this? Another quarter? Another year?

At some point, this has to end. I can’t keep living like this. I’ve made the decision that if things don’t change by December 2024, I’m going to end it all. I can’t keep going on in this extreme sadness, exhaustion, and depression. It’s not fair for me to be in constant pain like this. I’ve done my best with the knowledge I have now, and I’ve prayed so much, but nothing has changed. I feel like I’m screaming into a void, and I’m not going to keep living like this.

I’m sorry, but I just can’t do this anymore.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

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