This is the year I stop Ruminating

It’s a new year once again. And usually, my resolution involves fitness goals, academic achievements I want to accomplish, places I want to travel to and so on. Yes, productivity is great, but I realize that having some down time should be a priority to avoid mental breakdowns and unhealthy habits from forming.

One of the things that I am guilty of is overthinking. As a university student, I usually associate stress as an indicator that I am on the right track and that I am working hard enough. If doing something felt easy, I’d feel as if that I’m usually doing something wrong. I NEEDED to feel stress to even remotely feel productive. And sometimes, too much stress and overthinking about every single aspect of my life—academics, relationships, social interactions, the future—leads me down to this pool of repeated negative thoughts that render me unable to do anything for a short period of time. This prevents me from actually accomplishing things that can solve the root cause of my overthinking. I’m talking about ruminating.

As an Animal Bioscience student, the definition of “ruminating” that first comes to mind is the act of regurgitation in cows—when they literally vomit up their own food from their stomach to their mouth, chew it some more, and swallow it back again for efficient digestion. It’s not until a presentation in my communications class during my second year, that I discovered that “rumination” is a whole other thing when it comes to humans.

Unlike in cows, rumination actually does us more harm than good. It’s an endless cycle of obsessively stewing over the same thoughts, usually negative ones, as an anxiety or trauma-related response. I wasn’t aware that I had unconsciously developed this unhealthy habit until I caught myself overthinking about the same things, the same fears, over and over again. I began to question it, why I was feeling a certain way and why it was a recurring thing.

I realized that my unhealthy act of ruminating stemmed from being so busy with my everyday life, focusing on expectations I need to meet academic-wise and relationship-wise. As a result, I rarely got the time to pause and reflect, and give my body the rest it needs. I thought that being in survival mode allowed me to accomplish more and be productive—it only did the opposite and impacted my mental health. Now that I’m conscious of my unhealthy thought patterns, it’s time to let it go this year and moving forward.

I am going to rest. I'm not talking about the type of rest that's just limited to the periodic breaks in-between tasks. This year, I am no longer draining myself to the point of exhaustion before I take a break. I'm going to prioritize unwinding for the day, setting aside all the tasks and responsibilities that are still going to be present the next day. Prioritizing a full eight hours of sleep is also something that I want to accomplish. Giving my body the rest it deserves will allow me to be more present and more mindful. When you're fully present, I think it allows you on an intrinsic level to control the way you think about things; it allows you to curate the type of experience you want to have throughout the day instead of just being reactive.

I'm going to rest my mind by making it a point to close all the mental tabs and having a "cut-off" time. I want to develop a habit of practicing reflection, by writing my thoughts down and unload all the things inside me, begging to be felt.

I am going to practice gratitude. When I occasionally succumb and let a silver of negative thoughts slip inside my head--because I'm human and I know it will happen--I will focus on all the things that I am grateful for. I am going to focus on the now, and how things that I previously asked for are currently in my life, waiting to be appreciated. There are so many things to be grateful for: the fact that I'm alive, surrounded by loved ones and that I am given the opportunity to work towards something I love. Not many people can say the same.

I am going to prioritize myself. I will nourish my soul in ways that I have been neglecting, when I thought it wasn't important enough to be a priority. I am going to make time to do things that I love and what gives me energy. I am going to finally have the courage to go after the things that self-doubt and overthinking have always prevented me from doing, because despite the fear, I do think that I deserve it. All of us deserve to chase the things that we truly want in life. Don't let anxiety and self-doubt prevent you from doing so.

And most of all, I am going to be kinder to myself. I will no longer push my body to the breaking point, just so I can be "enough". I am going to cut off relationships that only does me more harm than good. I need to accept that there are things beyond my control. And ultimately, I need to let go of unrealistic expectations from others and from myself. The reminder that I am only human, and life is meant to be lived and experienced--not controlled--is something that I should always keep in mind.