The outside world was unknown to her, but she could see a glimpse of it through the window in his room

The outside world was unknown to her, but she could see a glimpse of it through the window in his room. Never having any real worries in the world outside of studying hard enough to get perfect grades on her papers, everything seemed as beautiful and bright as she was. Taking inventory of her life, she had her father and all the lessons, experiences, jokes, and laughter that he’d poured into her. Something so priceless and appreciated by even the young girl that she once was and anyone who’d witnessed them together or apart.

Until one evening when she stopped by to visit him as a young woman newly entering her 30’s. This was no unusual thing for her to visit her daddy and bring him a warm meal from her kitchen to trade for one from his.

Upon knocking on his door and suspiciously receiving no response, she hesitantly enters the dark, cold space that was too quiet and unwelcoming as it never was. She called out to him. “Daddy?”

Growing up with a father that makes you feel safe and protected in any situation is something that every girl deserves, but most don’t receive. Whether in bed at night or out in the world by day, with such a protector as a father she had such an inherent sense of security. With her father standing at 6 foot even, a sizable man and such a light sleeper, he would hear the tiniest unfamiliar noise, or even the little squeak of his soft-spoken daughter in the middle of the night and be up to solve the problem within seconds. Maybe it was this that told her that he should have heard her knocking and calling out to him.

The silence paints goosebumps onto every inch of her flesh as she creeps into the newly strange place. The usual car shows or Property Brothers or Discovery Channel aren’t playing on the TV. These were the type of shows that they would love to watch together. She learned so many things from and with her father in her lifetime and her mind raced back to those happy memories to escape the current situation for a second before the heaviness of the most likely possibility is setting in driving tears from her eyes before even clicking the fan pull.

A moment ago, she was laughing and joking with family in the other room. Comfortable in life as a married woman in her 30’s, with 3 beautiful boys, a very close-knit family, and a great love and appreciation of and from her daddy. Memories of his infectious laughter after his own perfect delivery of his clever jokes, his voice yelling at his favorite team that she always believed helped them win the Superbowl that one year, and even the tips and tricks that she had picked up from daddy that allowed her to maintenance a vehicle better than either of her brothers flood her mind. A moment ago, she knew where she came from and was secure in her understanding of herself and how her life had always been.

All of the minor things that they loved collectively were intricately weaved into her ears, eyes, and heart making up her life and illuminating her world with splendor. His love was an amazing tapestry that covered every vile thing in wonderful possibilities making it palatable.

How helpful that energy would be now… pulling on the fan chain confirms what her soul had already felt. Clutching and then embracing her daddy’s lifeless body, she whispers, “No.”

She takes a mental note of how cool his skin feels against her face as her few seconds of sadness are the only ones that she outwardly allows for a while to come. Using every drop of strength, she has, she embraces him once more to move his body to the floor beside his bed. It is covered in tawny carpet and she makes sure to move his trash bin away from his head. Blindly, she unlocks her phone and dials 9-1-1. Thoughts of everything that she should and could have done that day blare in her mind. Number 1 on the list? Coming to visit daddy this morning before her day got started.

“9-1-1, this is Stacey, what is your emergency?”

“My daddy is unresponsive in his room. He has congestive heart failure.”

Listening for the operator’s response with bated breath, she almost wants her to have a magical solution that will bring daddy back, but secretly she knows he is gone and considering the decline in his health the past few months, she knows it’s time. Using all the strength she can muster, she starts CPR. Using the palms of her tiny hands, a miniature version of her father’s, she tries to restart the heart that loved her so strongly every second of her life, but to no avail.

For a second, she glances out of his bedroom window through the sweat and tears stinging her eyes and realizes that without his light and loving energy in this world, it looks drastically different. After being replaced beside her father by the emergency medical techs, she continues her gaze.

The trees were no longer erect and strong and beautifully swaying in the breeze and the project cars in the yard were now just rusty, old, and worthless. And where were the birds? Where were the beautifully colored birds that they’d watch together on many occasions that included blue jays, cardinals, and even hummingbirds that would come for the sweet nectar reminiscent of the love flowing between the two of them?

The sky became a dusty blue, no longer bright and the lush green grass that they’d took pride in grooming together weekly, was instantly lifeless. As daddy now was after she’d done her best to breathe life into him on his very last day.

After the experience of finding her father, her best friend, her soulmate, deceased, in his room, she had no time to mourn in this world that was tattered and broken in a way that she hadn’t noticed before. She numbly marched on in her life trying to continue to be love and light for her children, helping anyone she could, completing school, getting the fancy job, cooking and decorating on holidays that all seem to have lost their luster. Just as he’d lost his life.

The worst thing that could have ever happened in this world, was his love melting off of it. Like the candle wax that drips atop her unwanted birthday cake, every year. A mere 4 days after his demise and on all the anniversaries of it. 11/7/2017

Why celebrate? Nothing is sweet. This isn’t fun. She doesn’t have him anymore. Just as the tears run, she wants to as well. Just as the thoughts race around her mind with no way to escape, just like her.

Looking around at a world that she used to love with pure disgust because having him coated everything in honey, nectar and forehead kisses. Roaming around searching for a reason, a “why”, a place that feels as joyful, bright, and necessary as it once did. Thinking about things that she used to value so much when she had him and how they mean so little now that she does not.

Looking at this world through his window, she realized how great he was. To see the rust, decay, and disappointment all around, and how he still chose to make life bright, sweet and loving for his children. The abundance of lessons, stories, gems and laughter despite anything he was going through, despite the world that he saw outside of his window, she can only thank him.

As she glances out of her window that’s not unlike his, she understands that she must complete the same mission for her own kids.