The Office Spook

They work among us, though we’d rather they didn’t. In our dreams, they resign, rage-quit, or retire. They’re the snitches. Rats. Spies. Moles. Informers. Narcs. Sneaks. We’ve all known at least one. Most of us spend our days at work, heads down, doing the jobs we are paid to do. Not these people. Smug, self-appointed, and self-righteous with a jumbo side of gaslighting, they live for the gotcha. They’re waiting for you to mess up so they can rat you out and enjoy the inevitable fireworks. If they can get you reprimanded or, better yet, fired, their day’s made.

If you’ve never had the pleasure, you’re one of a fortunate few.

To engage with them is to feed their lust for domination over you. Like trolls, they thrive when fed. Though they take many forms, a single strategy will send them packing. Be a grey rock, so unsatisfying that they move on in search of better targets. In an ideal world, after tripping over too many grey rocks, they’d get frustrated and quit. That’s not reality, so we’re mostly stuck with them.

If you are to survive, you have to spot them.

The narc

He’s looking for violations of the company handbook or any policy, no matter how outdated or obscure. Gift policy is $50 or less and you accepted a basket of cookies worth $50.99? Gotcha! Dress code says jeans only on Fridays and you wore five-pocket pants on a Thursday? He’s firing off an email to HR. You hired a cleaning crew without meeting with the union? Labor violation! Your drink of water went down the wrong way and he heard you coughing? You’re an infectious disease carrier. A rodent scurried across the kitchen floor? He blames your box of cornflakes.

After encountering him a few times, you start wondering if you’re a chronic rule breaker, a troublemaker, a problem child. No. You’re not the problem. Sure, follow the rules as best you can and keep your nose and workspace clean, but stop looking over your shoulder.

At some point, management will wonder how he has so much time to narc. They’ll look at his work product or lack thereof. But don't count on management. Give them nothing.

Pennywise

Their usual habitat is finance or accounting. They keep sending back your expense reports, questioning every nickel and dime. Each time you answer a question or provide another itemized receipt, they bounce it back with a completely new question or accusation. This happens over and over and over again until you lose your temper or your mind. Or until you decide it’s not worth the aggravation and eat the expense yourself.

The more they harp at you, the harder it is to keep it straight. So you start making more mistakes, which really makes them glow with pride, because they’re doing their job. Never mind all the wasted hours haggling over pennies while costing the company thousands.

Try not to let them under your skin. Persist.

The rumormonger

In every workplace there’s at least one who loves to dish dirt, especially when there’s no dirt to dish because a little annoyance like truth never stops them. If they’re not the author of the latest salacious gossip, they’re certainly giving it oxygen by the 50-gallon drumful. Anodyne watercooler talk about last night’s Book of Boba Fett premiere somehow pivots into intrigue about who’s sleeping with the boss.

They live for attention, glom onto anyone who’d listen. Give them nothing. Dully mutter “I haven’t heard that” before changing the subject to the work at hand or naming some burning project you need to get to back at your desk. Even if that’s sorting emails into folders.

The language police

They’re standing by, ready to pounce in outrage on behalf of someone who didn’t ask for their help and where no offense was intended or taken. You liked someone’s outfit? You have no right to objectify her, even if she loves the outfit and wants to tell you about the great deal she got on it at the Nordstrom semi-annual sale. Someone said your lunch looks sinfully delicious? How dare they police your food! You weren’t sure of someone’s pronouns so defaulted to third person singular “they?” Why didn’t you get it right?

Spend enough time with one of these on your team and you might soon stop talking altogether.

The gaslighter

A cousin of the language police is the gaslighter, who questions your every word and intent until you start second-guessing yourself and wondering if you really meant what you meant. Or believing you’re a terrible waste of space and would be better off elsewhere.

A coworker, let’s call him Ron (not his name) and I got off on the wrong foot a few years ago, and there was friction. I showed up in his office to apologize — even though I’d done nothing wrong — in hopes of starting over. That was before I realized what he was. I left his office in tears, somehow feeling like the worst heel ever.

A friend at work later told me Ron was badmouthing me at every turn. Fortunately, I had more trust capital accrued than he did. He still managed to damage my reputation with people who didn’t know me. When I asked to be reassigned from a project I was managing as he kept undermining me, he started telling people I’d screwed up the project and been fired. It took several years to rebuild my reputation as a successful project manager.

I survived Ron, but the stress of working with someone like that was intense. The mistakes I made then are clear to me now. I tried to engage, which he weaponized against me. Then I tried avoidance, which he used to build a narrative of my failure.

Looking back on it, I should have maintained a pleasant but dull demeanor in every interaction with him.

Give them nothing

The way to deal with all of these people is to give them nothing to weaponize. Do your job. Don’t interfere with theirs. Don’t get angry. Don’t engage but don’t go mute, and stay out of gossip or gaslighting range.

Be a grey rock with the office spook. The rest of the time, be yourself.