The Me I See

If I'm being honest, I'm not ok. It's hard for me to admit that to other people due to the fact that I hate pity, and deep down, I think it's because I have a hard time trusting people. I've had my deepest insecurities used against me in the past, and it's not something so easy to get over.

I think I have hit rock bottom. I know I have felt that way in the past. However, I don't think I could go any lower. A 14-year relationship and 12-year marriage finally hit their breaking point. Moving out on my own into a new place brought up so much fear and anxiety. The constant state of unfamiliarity is crippling. Who am I outside of this relationship that has carried me through most of my adult life up until now?

Trying to move on and pick up the pieces is near impossible when you are carrying so much trauma from life. The same week I moved out is the same week my sister took her own life. To say when it rains, it pours feels like an understatement. I wouldn't say I've processed everything that has happened yet. It still feels too fresh. I guess if I'm being honest, I'm not sure I've processed any of the trauma I have experienced.

I'm not sure I have the tools to do so yet. My therapist is great, but when will I start benefiting from our weekly sessions? I always feel better after our conversations, full of optimism and with less weight on my shoulders. But that shit doesn't last long; all it takes is one thing to go wrong, and it derails all of it. I envy those people who have the mental toughness to keep fighting no matter what life throws at them, to keep on that straight and narrow.

The fact that I am still here does mean I do have some fight and strength, but I also feel like giving up more times than I care to admit.

The past few years, I have been one foot in, one foot out in all aspects of my life, my relationships, my career, and my mental health. I have lived this way for so long, I constantly feel like I'm on shaky ground, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Paralyzed with fear of making the wrong decision has kept me stagnant and feeling small. I know opportunities lie on the other side, but I am too scared to go all in on myself. I have a lot of insecurities, most of them physical, which prevent me from going after what I want or what I believe I deserve.

Oh man, where to even start with the list of things I wish I could change about myself. If I won the lottery, you would know because chances are you wouldn't recognize me.

Let's start with the elephant in the room: my teeth. I hate my teeth. I feel like anytime I have a conversation with someone, that's all they see is my gapped teeth. Like, why couldn't I have gotten braces as a kid like most people? I was always told that once my wisdom teeth came in, they would close up my gaps. Well, spoiler alert, those damn wisdom teeth were compacted assholes and had to be removed in my senior year of high school. And I know what you're thinking, just get braces now. Well, how many 38-year-olds do you see walking around with braces? My point exactly!

If you have made it this far, you are either a good friend or my writing has somehow captivated you; either way, I thank you. Let's move on to the next insecurity, my hair. Or lack thereof, like life hasn't already thrown me enough shit and curve balls, it thought making me lose my hair was ok? Now it's just being mean and nasty. First came the receding, which was minor at first, still manageable. I figured I could handle it, I mean, look at Jude Law and his hairline. Now I don't look anything like him, but you get the point.

Then came the loss of eyebrow hairs, I mean, they are hanging on for dear life at this point. Now, at this point, I just try to avoid mirrors as much as possible. Along with the eyebrows came the loss of facial hair; that one was a real burner. I mean, I used to have a lush, beautiful, thick red beard. People used to stop me on the street and compliment me on it. I once had a woman shout out of a moving vehicle that she loved my beard! Nothing feeds your ego more than compliments from a random stranger. That feels so long ago now. I can't remember the last time I was complimented by a stranger.

Part of me thinks because I put so much value on these traits, these characteristics that the universe, in its sick sense of humor, said, " I'm gonna continue to take these away until you learn to not put so much value on them. Either that or I am hashtag blessed! One thing is for sure: something has to change, either the universe or me, and I am feeling like it's gonna have to be me. I don't know what that looks like or when it will happen, and I guess my hope for writing this is that I finally stop hiding behind my insecurities. That I just embrace them and learn to live with them.

I hope that anyone who has stuck around to read my self-pity rant and who might be dealing with similar issues may find some comfort in knowing that you are not alone. So this is to anyone who feels less than because you don't fit into the box of what today's beauty standards are. May we learn to love ourselves and each other.