The Journey Thus Far

As a young man, my passion was bottomless and universal. I have specific memories of bringing levity to tense situations, being truly unaffected by the burdens of negativity. Difficult realities slowly eroded this sense of joy and the desire to spread it. I feel happens with most people. I have always had the feeling of a ship beset by harsh weather the moment safe harbor disappears over the horizon.

I left my home at 16 and walked into a recruiter’s office on my 17th birthday. From a very young age the military was a clear destination for me. It suits my nature. I joined the Marine Corps, never even considering other branches. September 11, 2001 served to only solidify the urge to take part in war like many generations of young men since long before me. I left for boot camp in September of 2004, still only 17.

I took couple trips to the fertile crescent, my main job was to clear roads of improvised explosives. Then I found myself in a teaching role. As one of several instructors at a main leadership school I taught and mentored lower leaders for fourteen months. The development of a Marine, by training and molding was the most fulfilling aspect of my service. Taking a doe-eyed fresh boy and making him a confident war fighter and leader was my passion. It was during this time I met and married my wife.

At this point in my life there was no me, only we. My love was for the Corps and the Marines in my charge. My passion was only the mission which is a necessary attitude for combat leadership. To achieve efficient success in combat situations servicemen basically have to operate with outright disregard for personal survival. The mindset of an individual willing to rush toward gunfire is a carefully cultivated thing.

This mentality was shattered in the winter of 2010 when I met my first daughter for the first time. I underwent an immediate priority shift, and with it, a perspective adjustment unlike any I have ever experienced. Pre-daughter I would have gladly died to keep my boys safe, to get them home. Now there was nothing that I would let keep me from this little person. I didn’t know how I would change, but I was certain my current nature suited for war was not what this little girl needed. This was the first step of the long journey I continue to walk. A year and some change after her birth arrived second daughter, immediately unique and amazing in her own way. One of my few but severe regrets in this life will always be not being able enjoy those early years.

Around the time of our newest baby, I was medically retired from the Marines. After 8 years of service for hearing loss and moved to a new base. The stress of this time strained an already unhealthy relationship to breaking and I separated from my spouse. At this point I had made little progress in becoming a person I could be proud of. These were very hard times.

Those first few years of separation consisted of much co-parenting as we had two small children and no outside support. I had never been an adult, much less a father. As a service member the rent is paid, there are no utilities, no civil law on base; living in never-never land. I quickly found myself drowning in the realities of civilian life at the expense of the only two people I have ever truly loved, my little girls.

A sense of determination set in during this time to be come the father I always wished I had. I strive to become the man these little girls deserved and provide for them the security and support I never had growing up. I developed a loose plan to teach myself how to nourish another life. I started with plants.

I embarked on becoming proficient in caring for another being. Books have been written on the healing capacity of nature and our intrinsic bond with the other life. Working my way up from back yards to multi-million-dollar indoor operations, I spent years in the legal medicinal marijuana production industry. Even with a well-paid salary and job security in a booming industry I was sleeping in my truck or on couches in L.A. A change was needed.

I gave my truck away, packed everything I had on my Harley and rode to Kentucky to work with a close friend.

Unfortunately, during this trip in 2018 my ex chose to end our co-parenting relationship opting for a difficult divorce proceeding. My friend gave me a house to live in for cost during that time or I may have never recovered from this. In retrospect this may have been a rock-bottom period of my life.

Despite the constant setbacks and difficulties; my main focus through all this time was self-development. To this end, I cultivated an amazing group of close friends. This collection of incredible people has elevated and supported me without fail. I have grown to be a better person by their example and with their accountability. They are the ones, along with my therapist, who have led me here to take part in this challenge.

Other than a knack for wanton destruction I also exhibited natural talent for writing at a young age. I like many young authors escaped the discomfort of early life in an endless series of novels. Like many who exist in the world of literature I always had special relationships with my English teachers. Sometimes I would write down ideas I had and send it to a few close friends. Feed back has always been positive; my default self-deprecation would always chock that up to positive bias.

Now I am proud of who I am. I love my adopted family who has built me up from nothing. My therapist says the next step is to believe this about myself, and to take risks betting on myself.

My primary passion starts and ends with my daughters. I haven’t seen them since the pandemic started. The recent weeks has seen me really make an effort to monetize my creativity and insight through writing. Recently, one of these close friends and editors sent me a link to this page, this opportunity. Kismet, maybe.

Per my style, I have provided all of this context to answer a simple question. Why should people follow or support me? Why should anyone read what I have to write? I have selfish reasons and selfless reasons. Also, per my style, they are Bi-polar.

The selfish reason is simply to spend more time and effort fixing the relationships with my girls, now 10 and 8. My contact with them has been only by phone for over a year. I’ve been drowning and only given a cocktail straw to breathe through. The more I can monetize writing, the more time I can spend with them.

The selfless reasons are more of an experiment in self-worth and hope. I am here writing this trying to believe that by sharing my struggles and lessons learned; I can ease the burden of others struggling with similar issues. This would bring me fulfillment, to ease the harshness of life for others. I have lost far more brothers and sisters to depression and self-doubt then I have to war.

Complete destruction

Intentional education

Manifestation

AR