The Gods Both Old and New

The older I get the more I realize that religion and spirituality are easier to hold onto when you've been down in the trenches and have made it to the other side. I mean, the whole entire premise of "preaching" is to deliver testimonies and make believers out of non-believers, right? They have to believe that no matter how bad things get, there is a higher power that has a bigger plan for you and will bring you to the other side.

Even outside of Christianity, most belief systems have their followers believe that if they follow a certain set of rules, they will be blessed. Leaving offerings, manifestation, etc. If that ever works out for the follower, then that's all the more reason to believe that what they believe in is the one that beats out all of the others.

I wasn't raised in a religious household. Occassionally we would pop into the church of a friend if we were invited for Christmas or Easter, and I even went through a phase in middle school where I tried to be a devout Christian, going to church camps and lock-ins and Bible study on Wednesday nights. I've had people pray for me and I've tried really hard to feel what others described feeling and still, to this day, I can honestly say that I've felt nothing. I've never been moved to tears. I've never felt the urge to raise my hads to the Lord during worship. It isn't for a lack of trying, I swear, I just don't feel anything.

So recently I've decided that maybe I'll try something new. My grandmother was into certain practices when I was a kid and she never really put a name on it, but she did tarot readings and had books with herbal remedies and dream journals and I remember being so intrigued by it all. So, one day I was scrolling through Instagram and the page of a hoodoo practitioner popped up as a suggestion, so I scrolled through her page and a few others that were suggested after her and decided, after much deliberation with the child in me who does not want to go to Christian hell, that I would see what ancestral veneration was all about. From there I dabbled in some African spirituality and hoodoo practices and some other things that are, for lack of a better term, a bit witchy.

I felt like I had finally found something that moved me, that made me feel like someone out there may be watching out for me, looking down on me and protecting me. I guess it's easier to feel that way about people you've actually met in the past sometimes. But I can honestly, truly, from the bottom of my heart say that I still don't really feel "blessed". I don't get the feeling I feel some followers of other spiritualities describe, when they say that even in their darkest moments they know that someone is looking out for them, someone is going to come through and save them and they're going to come out on the other side. There is no overwhelming, all-encompassing feeling that everything is going to be ok. I am still sick with anxiety on a daily basis. I still get so low that for days or even weeks, I just don't see a way out and the only thing keeping me from ending it all is my children. So what am I doing wrong?

I've tried pouring everything that I have into believing. I've tried praying about it and then letting it go. I've tried manifesting and spellwork and readings from people who are more experienced than me. I've tried fasting and giving to those in need and all of it has just left me feeling like I'm giving and giving to anyone who could provide an answer but getting nothing in return. So, now that I'm in my 30s and I've watched people get blessed over and over again all up and down my social media feeds, I'm beginning to wonder if sometimes people just slip through the cracks. Maybe sometimes, despite their best efforts, the higher powers that be just overlook some people...not on purpose, of course, but there are almost eight billion of us. It's probably really easy to take on problems that are more significant and overlook the people whose lives are just a string of inconveniences, and I think that's fair. I'm not complaining, really. I guess I say all of this to say that keeping the faith, regardless of what you believe in, can be damn hard sometimes, especially when a win is hard to come by.