The Gift is a Curse

Being a creative person is trying. I want to constantly create. But only when I have the mental capacity to do so. With a full-time job, it’s nearly impossible to have enough energy to create consistently.

Sometimes I look at the way we live, how this world is made up of a system that caters to a percentage of people. During this quarantine, I was able to take a few weeks to let this unfiltered tap or creativity run without turning it off. It’s been magnificent. I feel like I’m able to live life the way I’m supposed to. I cared about what was important, I was less miserable. Even though I had my fights with anxiety and depression during this time, it has really helped me deal with it in the most patient way. I didn’t have to suppress or put aside anything.

I spend 8-10 hours a day doing something unchallenging, boring, stressful and

Do you ever wonder how much of yourself is just a figment of your imagination? The ladder of my self-perception is not one I would like to climb. I need to just focus on climbing up rather than looking down.

I do feel like I hypnotize myself into believing untrue statements. I think we all have done that.

I often imagine a world where I see things for what they really are. I wish I could see myself the way I really am.

I wish I could see myself without any flaws amplified for Gods to see.

I wish I could see myself as perfect. But I guess that would leave no room for improvement.

But imagine that, seeing yourself with a pair of eyes that leaves no judgement. No influence of the past, societal norms, etc. Just with pure love.

Who would we be?

Who would I be?

I wonder how I would see the world, how I would see people.

Would it be naive? Beautiful? Peaceful? Fair? I don’t know.

I have an annoying trait that splits me into two. I am quite presumptuous of alternate endings. I wish I could be stupidly positive and hopeful sometimes, but then again I pity those people. It’s like watching the world only through on filter. Rose-coloured glasses. It’s pretty, but not real.

I find it hard to visualize and imagine my future. I think it was easier to do that when I was younger, I daydreamt a lot. I am finding myself more focused on the present. The future worries me, scares me because it’s so uncertain.

Yes, I have some targeted goals. And hopefully, the universe corrects the pathway to lead towards that certain goal. But the path that will take us there is so unpredictable. Let me try to put into words what the imagination of my future looks like, let’s try.

I imagine a future where I am financially stable on a consistent basis by doing what I love doing. Simple enough.

That looks like me as a fashion designer, a visual artist and a writer. During this quarantine which I have started this series, I’ve birthed many new things.

It’s incredible that we can create so much out of nothing. I want to do that all the time. I’ve never been able to write so freely and consistently, paint and explore. I don’t want to lose the joy of being an artist. I would like to work for myself. I would like people to work for and with me to help bring visions into reality. I want to collaborate and create things that generations can appreciate and relate to. I want my experience in this world to mean something.