Soft Apologies

“Confidence is the ability to feel beautiful without needing someone to tell you.” —Unknown

I sat down at my computer this morning, with my eye masks and iced green tea while The Climb by Miley Cyrus was playing on our Amazon Alexa. Somehow, in the silence and the lyrics of the song, I managed to come to the realization that I don't always love myself.

Sometimes I stare at the person in the mirror, pick-my flaws apart, and sigh. I drown myself in self-doubt, tears, and my insecurities.

The thing is: I know I shouldn't hate myself so much. I should love who I am.

I feel so damn negative sometimes when it comes to myself. I have a wonderful job, a supportive partner, and beautiful children.

I decided to take care of myself more. To love the skin that I am in. As a mom of three, who also works, self-care is a luxury. At least in my world.

I started off small and bought these gel eye masks to reduce circles because I was tired of wearing my exhaustion on my skin.

The act of using these sparked more positive change in my life.

Every day, when I wear these eye masks in front of my partner, I ask him, "Am I beautiful yet?"

I think he’s tired of hearing it, but he always answers with the same soft certainty, "You are.”

I had a good conversation with a neighbor of mine about beginning to work out again. I expressed my insecurity as I did not lose the baby weight after my youngest was born. It could be due to my medications. It could be just life itself and a part of having three children and getting older. But I still have an insecurity regarding my weight and physical health. I don't want to be the mom that just sits on the bench at the park, I want to keep up with my three children and be able to do cartwheels and somersaults in the grass with them.

Maybe my negativity is part of what's weighing me down right now. But I've become so content with hating myself that I forgot how beautiful loving myself can truly feel. Maybe it’s not just the pounds I need to lose, but the heaviness of my own self-criticism.

I’ve been so used to hating myself, I forgot how powerful it feels to love myself.

Self love is a revolution. I want to be a part of that. It’s not just about drinking green tea and using eye masks. It’s about healing from the parts of yourself that you thought nobody could ever love.

So, I’m starting where I am: flawed, tired, and still learning.

I am still learning to love the parts of myself that nobody else claps for.

I am still learning to embrace myself for who I am.

I am still learning to rewire my brain to accept the good parts of life.

I am so thankful for the people that keep me on the right path.

I'm still learning to love myself and that's okay. As long as I don't lose sight of the beautiful human that I am ever again, I know I'll be okay.

Like Miley Cyrus says:

There's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be an uphill battle

Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb

Like I said earlier, self-love is a revolution. I'm so truly grateful to be on the journey that I am on. I try my hardest to love myself, even on the days that I don't always feel loveable.

Thank you for reading you guys.

I hope you all have a beautiful day.

Chloe Rose Violet🌹