Silenced

Technology has come a long way since I was in high school. I remember the excitement that buzzed through the school when the first Apple computers were being brought into the building. The year was 1982 and I was only a junior so this event was exciting for me too. Students celebrated the enrollment into the much coveted elective and I too desired a seat in the room. I was even more elated when I saw that I did indeed score a seat in that ruddy classroom.

I remember bee-popping into the room and taking a seat and looking around at the magnificent machines lining the outer wall. I just couldn't wait to get my hands on one of them. As I scanned the room, I could see the other students' faces filled with anticipation of possible greatness. We listened intently as the roll-call was made and we all sat waiting with high anticipation.

Day one wasn't bad but by mid-term, that computer drove me to tears more than I would like to admit. Programming a carrot to move and draw lines on the black screen was like a death sentence with me. I even worked one on one with the computer teacher and I still ended up with a C in the class. I loathed the computer and by the end of the semester, I vowed to ignore the contraption completely.

I chose to silence myself from technology and the skills one needs to function in the world of technology. Once I married, my spouse was so excited to add technology to the business daily task. Ladies and gentlemen, I was HAPPY with the calculator and hand kept books. I could rock that system like no tomorrow. But that machine brought strife back into my world. All I could do was silence my enmity and learn what I HAD to because my husband was not willing to listen to my plea to stay in the dark ages. All I could do was shut up and plug away at my daily task only to be glared at as he fixed my errors later that day. Many nights I went to bed silenced and humiliated.

Once we sold the business, I thought my nightmare would be done. Not the case. College courses required me to use the computer to type out my research. Tears were the norm but I stuck it out. I had the darndest time getting words onto the computer in a format that the teachers would accept. I felt, hindered with a mind that was booming. My fear of the computer often made my writing so robotic and straight to the point. Silenced by my fear of the machine was a real thing. I just wanted my typewriter and go about my business but I was being forced out of my comfort zone.

After graduation, I was ready to adventure into the classroom. Teachers were still using mimeographs to make copies of their handouts. I was happy. Old school was good until the teachers returned the second year with desktops in their rooms. Yep, my nightmare became my reality again. Silently I suffered to learn how to format my handouts into the computer to print. I had to conform and in silence I suffered.

Online schooling brought me into a world of total chaos. As the format of said education was just starting, I was plunged into a world where teachers only wrote to you. Conversations were confusing as one couldn't tell who was responding to whom. I was so overwhelmed that I failed my first course. I tried my best to keep up but my skills were way behind my peers. Once again, technology drove me to silence as I withered away into my incompetent skills.

Years of silent struggle occurred but I did gain some skills. Obviously, I have become more competent with the computer. However, I still struggle. I have had to learn many things to get my book done but the computer continues to win. Silently I glare at my webpage with tears in my eyes. I made some wrong moves and have deleted or disrupted the format of the webpage. Silently I have stared at this webpage for the past hour before writing this. I think I will never catch up and I will always silently struggle.

I finally must admit that I need help. I did figure out how to start the website but my son put some very nice changes on there for me. In a matter of and hour or two, he had turned my basic webpage into a nice and navigable webpage. Too bad I clumsily deleted all his fine work in one click. I have never felt so ill in my life. Silently I sit here waiting for him to get back to me so he can fix the page. Silenced by the computer once again. with a glimmer of hope sent out to the universe, I reached out on Facebook asking for help too incase my son doesn't sign on to see my cry for help.

Silence feels differently when you have no control over the situation. I feel helpless. I feel that if hours and days pass without help, I will fall into hopelessness. My book is out and I can't announce it or post it for sale. I have no way to fix this issue and I am just drowning in the silence from others.

My head is pounding with disappointment in myself. I let the computer silence me once again. Then again, I am here writing so I am not totally silent but I am not able to speak through my webpage. I have exciting news and I am being silenced from sharing it. I will go to bed in disappointment and fall asleep in the silence of the night.

Perhaps tomorrow I will be different. Perhaps I will be able to figure out the computer and the webpage on my own. I just wish those with the mad computer skills would remove the bondage of technology from me and make my voice be heard once again. Perhaps tomorrow.