Saying Goodbye

Could I actually? My heart beats and flutters like the strings of a guitar being strummed. I think I could, but I've never done this before. Would it be okay? Am I allowed to do this? My anxiety-driven mind begins to scream. Why would I do this? There's really no reason, I should just keep going. It's really not that bad.

But is that true? I drag my feet every time, I call and make excuses, I never show up anyway, they probably hate me.

They'll hate you for sure if you do this, don't do it. Just force yourself to go, you've done it before, and you've said it yourself it's really not that bad. Just forget about it, don't do it.

But I hate it. I hate the feeling, thinking about it, I hate the words that I say when I talk about it, I hate the way my stomach burns when I get close to it. Why should I force myself to do it? Why should I keep torturing myself for this, I don't need it, I found something better, I found something I love.

But you've always done this, you've always had to do this, things havent changed that much for you to afford not to be able to do it. It isn't fair for you to do this when you have so many things that depend on it.

Just because I've always done it doesn't mean I need to keep doing it. Things HAVE changed, and yes, maybe this would help, but it isn't worth it. It isn't worth the extra stress, it isn't worth the extra annoyance, it isn't worth the sleepless nights and wasted weekends. I can find something better, I can find something I enjoy, I WILL find something else, this is not the only option.

Fine. If you think you can, then do it, I dare you, watch yourself go numb at the idea of having to face them, watch yourself freeze over the click of a button, watch him as he shakes his head in disappointment. Do it then.

He told me to, he said I should, he hears my cries of anguish every time I go in. He told me to.

I sit down to my computer and click away. The sound of my nails on the keyboard matched my heart. I have never willingly, and without reason quit a job. I have left for better experiences, I have left over bounced checks, but I have never left because I just didn't want to go anymore. And now, here I am, at the beginning of my career, convincing myself that it is okay to quit my shitty, aggravating, low-wage side job. I've always had one, I've always worked two jobs, but I've also always needed to. And now, with a full salary paying career employment, I don't HAVE to work a side job, at least not one that makes me hate myself for going in.

The email is drafted, it's professional, empathetic, apologetic, and straightforward. "Due to some unforeseen circumstances" (I hate this job more than I ever thought I would); "Effective immediately, I will be resigning from this position" (I am not working another shift, so please take me off the schedule for this weekend and any shift moving forward); "I would like to express my gratitude for the opportunities for growth and development" (I'm sorry I wasted a year of my time and yours, but I appreciate you taking the time to teach me new skills); "I appreciate the experience I've gained and the relationships I made with my coworkers" (I hated every time I showed up but I can't say that, and the people were pretty cool but I'll probably never talk to them again); "I understand the inconvenience I've caused by not providing the traditional two weeks notice" (I was going to call out this weekend anyway so I'm not giving you two weeks, you a large coorporation with a high turnover rate for my position, you couldn't care less if I continued to show up or not.) "Thank you for your understanding" (Please never contact me again).

I let the draft sit there for a day, I wanted to pull the trigger, but I wanted to make sure the gun was loaded for the right reason. It was I needed to do something for myself for once. My mental health, my mood, and my time were worth every bit of sending this email in. With the cock of a keypad, I clicked enter, a gentle swooosh that faded to silence. That was it. I was free, I quit.