Repeats

I fucking hate it here, what the fuck is life right now? I just got my dream job, working as a Leasing Agent after losing my job due to this pandemic and other factors in my life prohibiting me from keeping a job. Everything was perfect and then my car broke down, and when I say broke down I don't just mean it went out of commission for some days and was fixable. NO! I mean it wouldn't go forward but it would definitely go in reverse. What TYPE OF SHIT IS THAT?! So now I had to borrow money from my grandmother for a rental after putting the car online to sell it. The car, which I later found out had transmission issues, on top of a lot of other problems, you'd think I would know that it was bound to break down. Which I did but the car was working fine before, it drove me everywhere and we had so much fun together. I, even gave her a name. Sylvie. She was a silver Chevy Impala, and my first car ever at 22. The guy who sold it to me actually scammed me and had his mother put the car on her page and told her nothing was wrong with it when in fact there were so many things wrong on her that I couldn't even keep up. So much money I put into that car just so she would be drive ready until I could really build up the money to get her fixed. Gone.

I've been driving in a rental ever since my friends and I had to push Sylvie down the street in the rain. Thank God we didn't get pneumonia because we had came in soaked from the rain that by the time we came back in the house it had looked like it rained inside. But that's another story for another day. I recently got sick from doing that and had caught a fever, with everything going on right now we are required to tell our employers if we ever get a fever so I contacted my boss and have been staying home ever since, when the weekend came, before this week started I had made a choice to go to work. But I fell down the stairs the night before and have now strained the plates in my ankle from when I broke it, again another story for another day, I'm out of work now and so much has happened since, I had been trying to use my broke down car as a trade-in with no such luck. My credit sucks, I have no money for a down payment and I haven't been at my job long. I am not someone who anyone would lease a car to, HELL, I wouldn't even lease a car to me. Would you? So my only option is to beg my grandmother for more money. Which I desperately hate doing. I don't even really want to do it. I want to just quit my job because what's the use of fighting for something that's obviously not meant to be. It's like this all the time. I've been a Leasing Agent before and something always gets in the way whether it be COVID-19, transportation issues, or sickness, something is always getting in the way of me doing something I really love doing and then I lose one of the things that made me feel so special and great about myself. I always get left with an empty feeling afterwards and I'm so sick of life just knocking me down sometimes it's quite literally.

So what am I to do? I can't buy a car or lease or continue to rent a car. I don't want to quit, if I quit I honestly think I would lose my sanity. I'm probably going to get fired that's usually the way things go in my life. FUCK MY LIFE!! I've just been wanting to say that because it feels good. Sometimes it feels good just to rant about things even though you can't change them and I certainly know I can't change my situation. I hope whoever reads this, if anyone reads this knows that no matter what you're going through there are other people who can't catch a break either. We are all in this crazy boat called life no matter how much we want to leave it, we aren't alone. I just wanted to write something because I have been feeling like I've been suffering in silence lately and I needed a healthy outlet just to talk. My life really has been topsy turvy and not in a good way. Sometimes, I just need to do something that makes me feel better. I hope you try it too.

- XOXO,

Seriah Renee