Release

Two weeks ago I got super emotional...

Like any other day, I had to deal with my 11 year old son's attitude.

I usually scold him or set a form of punishment if needed, then just try to go on about my day the best way I can.

But that day was different...

My feelings were hurt, and I wasn't too embarrassed to admit it.

It hurt for the lack of respect that was shown for someone who bends over backwards for her kids, and would give them the world.

It hurt for the Mom that I am, and the way I really try my hardest to have patience and understanding for a kids mood swings.

It hurt because I am doing most of this on my own, and even when I am tired I do not have the will to give up.

It hurts that I have to endure all the underlying pain that my kids have felt over time, but I am their comfort zone so I suck it up and take it on.

It hurts that my first reaction to bad behavior is to discipline. Even though inside I want to be vulnerable, but on the outside I'm being too prideful.

It hurts that I am still healing and tending to my inner child, but still pushing past all that I feel everyday to make sure I raise my kids to the best of my ability.

It hurts that even when I pray to God to give me patience and strength, I still don't put my full trust in him to handle the situation.

It hurts that I can get so angry, when all I want to do is smile and be happy.

It hurts that my son doesn't always know how to control his emotions.

It hurts that my youngest can soak up the things that she sees, and display the same actions.

It hurts that we carry generational curses, and have to figure out how to break them.

It hurts that I can not always shelter my kids from the negative things they will see or hear in the world.

It hurts that I have to be to upset at my kids after I have spoken numerous times, and there's still no mindful listening.

It hurts that although I know there is no handbook to being a parent, I still want to do everything right.

What is the right way for parenting anyway? "There is your way. There is my way. But there is no right way." (Dr. Wayne W. Dyer)

Last week I read about thriving in contentment, and I wondered how could I apply that to my life. I sat for a while and thought about all the things I have complained about over the past few years/months/days, the things I lack in doing for myself, and what I don't show enough gratitude for. It made me feel like I was just here expecting all these great things to flow into my life, but I wasn't really putting in the work to get the things I wanted. I whined about expectations I had for my life and what should be taking place, instead of focusing on what I already had. Sometimes we have to go through something we see as traumatic or learn an important lesson to humble us, and center our thoughts. We gain a different perspective and start to see things in a new light. Reading about contentment caused me to focus on my happiness more, I had a revelation.

I started a detox/fast the same day as my reading, and this has literally been the most focused and present I have been in a really long time. Prior to this, my mind was so clouded with all the negative things going on around me. I would have moments of happiness of course, but still be more focused on the bad. I wasn't fully engaging in important conversations with myself or sitting down to process my thoughts. I was trying to function in my own disfunctions.

I am so blessed to have the life that I have, no matter the challenges I have faced thus far. I am going to thrive, because I have life! I have a roof over my head, two healthy/loving kids, an amazing support system, a wonderful man in my life. I can work from home, and still devote time to my kids without worrying about missing moments with them.

I'm still young and finding myself, but I am free and able to get up everyday to decide what I want my life to be. The only person who can hold me back is me, if I put limitations on my life. God gave me this life, because he knew I was strong enough to handle it. My sons attitude is temporary, and it doesn't define who he is. He's finding himself and so is my daughter, just as I am still finding myself.

Although I have a list of things that hurt me and I'm still working through it, I know its not enough to break me. I'm really happy that I can still show up everyday for myself, especially my kids. I can teach them better as I grow to know better. I can change the way I handle situations if I want a better outcome. This life given to me is just my assignment, and I will gradually perfect it in my own way.

Healing...