Polyp-Free I Shall Be!

Dear Nose (or whomever it may concern):

On this, the 25th day of the fifth month of the year 2025, I am putting in my notice that I will be the carrier of nasal polyps no longer. This is a notice to tell you that I will be done immediately at this letter's conclusion. When I first signed up for this position, I was under the impression that it was temporary. In fact, I thought that I'd been relieved of it when the polyps were once forcibly eradicated many moons ago. Alas, I should have known better than to assume.

I would say that this is something I do with a heavy heart, but I cannot lie. I am downright giddy as a schoolgirl right now at the prospect of never dealing with another bulbous, globular, overgrown sack of skin so long as I shall live! The prolonged nights of near-constant nose blowing have worn me out. The skin beneath my nose is so red and raw that I have begun seriously considering wearing false mustaches just to distract from it.

I once had a sense of smell that was only rivaled by my cocker spaniel's. Now, I'm lucky if I can get air through one nostril, let alone actually smell anything. Perhaps this is what I miss the most about my life before I took up the mantle as the next member of the exclusive club that is AERD. I miss the smells the change of season brings: the dense musk of fallen leaves or the subtle floral whiffs that carry on Spring's breeze. I long for the sickeningly sweet scent of asphalt on a scorching hot day in the dead of summer.

Not only that, but I miss puppy's breath, coffee in the morning, my favorite candles, the smell of gasoline when I stop to refill while on a road trip, etc., etc., ET CETERA!

My apologies if this comes off as a little frantic. You see, I have not had a good night's sleep in almost a decade now, so you'll excuse me, please.

On top of the excess of snot and lack of sleep, I must tell you that I can no longer suffer the dirty looks that are cast my way when I am out in public. Especially since 2020, I cannot so much as sniffle too frequently, or I have elderly people hobbling away from me, pulling an old medical mask on as they hurry past. Oh, it's not just them, though. It's the mothers escorting their newborn babies to the doctor's office, the people in the store on vacation hoping for a souvenir, and dreading catching anything they did not ask for. They all cast a look; some pity, but mostly looks of disgust. It's as if I'm the most despicable person existing for daring to try to stop my nose from dripping on the floor.

I was not informed that this would be a part of the job description when I started, and, frankly, I am quite over it.

It hasn't been all bad, I will admit. I have gained so much life experience over the last 10 years that I suppose I must thank you for it. Never in my life did I think I'd be swallowing so many pill-shaped items on a daily basis in my 30s! I have also become a wealth of knowledge on various sorts of supplements, spices, and roots that help with nasal congestion or respiratory issues. My friends and family now come to me before calling their doctor or local pharmacy, so I suppose I should thank you for that as well. Unfortunately, due to my constant state of over-exhaustion, these conversations end up being more of a chore rather than a helpful learning experience.

Alternatively, I can now also relate to a certain degree to those who suffer daily with more serious chronic medical conditions. A little more empathy goes a long way, I suppose.

All of this is to say that I hope there are no hard feelings between us, but I am officially through with it all. I think I'm going to be pursuing future endeavors that specifically require no nose. I heard they are rebooting the Harry Potter franchise as a television series. Perhaps, in this forward-thinking world, they would consider a female Voldemort?

In fact, there are plenty of top-notch characters in television and film that do not have noses! I think I'll be just fine.

At this, I conclude this resignation letter and, with it, my time that I have spent with these troublesome nasal polyps. Please do not respond because I will not be reading any further correspondence. I will be busy working on my monologues!

Oh, and catching up on some much-needed sleep.

Kindest Regards,

The Carrier