Patiently Waiting

Relationships whether new or old will take work to make it work. I haven't written in a while because my life feels like it got sucked into a vortex of non-stop craziness. That I could never catch a breath or stop from crying with this whole custody battle. I am forever grateful I made it out of my domestic violence situation because my sister didn't. Many women don't. I have voluntarily remained in trauma counseling and seeing a psychiatrist. They help me heal from it all. Despite all the negative stigmatism from mental help, for me, it truly helps. I fully encourage others to seek that same support if needed. I was deprived of love and affection. When I felt ready to start a relationship I rejected any physical touch, any emotional support, anything good because I didn't know how to embrace it. How to acknowledge that I was allowed something good for once.

It is nearing three years since the end of almost a decade of what felt like hell and many forms of abuse that I have been working hard on undoing all the damage. I have written in my other works about healing and allowing yourself to grow. By doing so allows someone to come along that is worthy of you: that you can give them the good of you. That all that hard work you have invested in yourself, to help make yourself better because of the wrongful actions of someone of your past; you get to finally have happiness. You get to embrace cuddles, admiration, being doted on, and no longer fear it.

This year has been incredibly hard for me. I learned to do something that isn't normal for me which is to be more private. Before I would share what I felt no matter how raw even with my writing. However, I felt all eyes were on me and it wasn't in any good way. When I would open up and share it was to only help others who were shadowing the events I was going through. Being an advocate, a writer, a friend and more is purely out of a genuine heartfelt yearning to help others near or far. I got into a relationship that led to an engagement which led to a heart-wrenching breakup. I was beyond devastated. I felt betrayed and exiled. This was the first time in ten months that I was healing from so much that I no longer rejected being doted on. That it could be given and received. I eventually made this video to express my emotions and how hurt I was. There was so much that played into this breakup. I knew we were going to break up but it was all forced.

I know that this is starting to mirror that of Taylor Swift that if you do her wrong then she will write about it or make a video about it. I am not even going to argue with you on that. If the shoe fits. It is not my intention to do so. Everyone needs an outlet of some sort to release what is hurting them or how they can channel the hurt to help others.

What is hurting me now is that I have caged up hurt feelings for this new handsome man I'm patiently waiting on. He has entered my life and asked me to be his. I took seven months of healing from this last breakup and focused on me and my son. I have done everything to help improve who I am so that he can have the best of me. He is great to me and it is a new relationship that is having hiccups. We have made plans after plans for date nights. I spend an hour on my hair, ten minutes on my makeup, and I dress up nice for him. Then begins the waiting game.

We message or call to see what is going on and more waiting. Hours go by and before you know it the day is gone. He has not shown. We have had five canceled dates. Each time I fix my hair, my makeup and I look nice and I'm still patient. Still understanding but yet hurt. I often wonder if I am wanted, if there is any room for me in his busy life if he is slowly letting me go? I know we care for each other. I know that communication is key and I've written about this in my other pieces. Part of me is afraid to talk to him about this because what if this is another heartbreak waiting to happen? Each time that I reserve myself and heal I am hopeful that maybe the next guy is the mystery Future Husband I've written to?

Is it possible for me to ever heal and find someone who truly wants me and my son? For every imperfection, for every bit of damage done that may not be completely undone?

I appreciate my loyal readers and followers and I hope I still give you hope and advice. May you always know that for as strong as your heart beats so is your will and determination.