Part I: The Downfall of Medicine

Let me tell you what you don't want to hear. Let me be blunt and opinionated. Let me be "political" and let me own my voice. I am not a brilliant hero. I do not want the responsibility you force on my shoulders but I will do it if you demand it because I have little choice. When you poison what I do and what I love, you poison what I can provide as a genuine service. I want to show to loyalty and honour but when you corrupt my desires with your desires, you ask more of me than I can carry. Eventually I will break and die. I will lose myself and I will be bitter at you and everything. I will scream silently and turn against the very essence of what I lived for. I will leave you behind and you will cry at the stupidity you admitted when you eventually succumbed to your naivety.

Warning: this is going to be long...

Double warning: I have to do a bit of an autobiography - *wretch*- in order for you to understand where I'm coming from so here goes :P.

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My name is Camilla Siig (read it in a robot voice). I am currently a fourth year medical student at University College London (UCL) but it's a bit more complicated than that so let me give you the context that you need to understand the picture I will attempt to paint. To put it bluntly, my understanding of what the field of Medicine is has come of my own merit. I do not have connections to this strange world (aside from managing to worm my way into it) and there was no way for me to know the depth of this place until I became immersed in this experience. Side note: there is still more immersion to do (obviously), but I'll let you in on what I understand about med school/hospital madness.

It's probably important to mention that I am 27 years old, have had a conventionally strict Japanese mother (this is not a complaint) and unusually stern Danish father (he's pretty English for a Danish guy) with the upbringing to match. I have always worked hard and am both passionately creative and academic. Although I spent about half my life studying classical music seriously (like forreal cereal), I switched into academics as a primary focus from age 14 onwards. From that point forward, I applied myself like glue and managed to score a Biomedical Science BSc at King's College London in 2015 (well...I really only properly applied myself to this degree in the final year lol - I was like...:/ I want to do Medicine so I gotta get my sh*t together).

So! ... Following that, I failed to get into Medicine (...again - I also failed once before in 2012) and spent some time trying...again (long). While I was doing that, I worked as a private tutor and taught at a school in Hackney (London) for about six months (that was an EXPERIENCE). I aimed to get into a university with #clout because #clout = #credit (it's fair - the top unis are at the top for a reason). Anyways, I got into MBChB Medicine at University of Bristol (UOB) in 2017 (age 23) and completed my first two non-clinical years there (blabla boring).

Then I decided that Medicine is not science-y enough and wanted to find a way to combine scientific research with clinical medicine. I looked online for something that may grant me this combination of study. So I found out about something called the MBPhD programme. Effectively, this is is a PhD (about 3 years) sandwiched between the non-clinical (first 2 years of med school) and clinical years (last 3 years of med school) of a traditional MBBS Medical degree. (FYI MBBS and MBChB are the same degree - it's a bit confusing but don't worry about the explanation - it's boring). ANYWAYS, this programme is not offered at all but four unis across the UK - UCL being one of the founders of the programme. Basically it's likeeeee super smart like omg I'm so smart #wotevam8. Honestly though, I just wanted to find something that catered to my genuine desire but you gotta to be a nerd to find it interesting (I think...on the whole).

SOOOOO, I completed a transfer application successfully and finessed my way through the interview (it was long). I had to commit to transferring from UOB just to have a chance at even applying to the UCL MBPhD programme. I wasn't unhappy at UOB at all. In fact, it was really nice and I had a good group of friends etc. But I wanted to do this MBPhD thing (which UOB didn't offer)...To explain...as a rule of thumb, you have to be "worthy" in order to even have the opportunity to apply to an MBPhD programme. This means you have to already be a student affiliated with the uni that is offering the programme. HENCE, my transfer to UCL. Some unis, *cough* Imperial *cough* supremacists *cough* don't even allow transfers. But whatever. Imperial is stereotypically for classic nerds. Nothing wrong with that but the uni persona is a little more robotic than UCL - it's just a fact. UCL has always had a reputation for being somewhat holistic compared to other elite academic institutions #loljustlol.

Right Camilla..this is getting really lame now, can we get on with the story please?

Yeh, I hear you okayyy. But the devil is in the detail so just bare with me pleaseandthankyou. Moving on.

Where are we now? I've bounced around figuring out how to be a #hotshot doctor and get a high quality degree. My thoughts were I want freedom (sort of...whatever that means), stability and honour and I pegged Medicine down as a pretty good balance of these qualities (#WRONG...sort of - I'll get to that). Bonus points because I think science/medicine is cool as f*ck and I love caring for people. It's just in my heart. Come to me for a hug and I will mean it every time <3. So yeh, here I am...at med school struggling with what I'm doing/loving it/hating it/wtf am I doing?

I've left out the bit where I talk about how I failed to get onto the MBPhD programme hahahahahaha (after all that) but that's sort of a big point in my understanding of Medicine land, academic land #Ihavethesmurtsland..so I will save it for the next post.

Stay with me - the story will unfold in the coming posts :D.

Camilla x