On the Threshold

I am an avid scroller of social media. Entering one app, exiting another, one click here, another click there.

The fingers seem to never rest.

The fingers seem to be in eternal suffering to satisfy the hunger that the brain could never seem to satisfy.

I have always said I am not disciplined and diligent enough.

But thinking deeply, it’s not true. When it comes to using the electronic- phone, laptop, TV- you name it and I am super disciplined and diligent. I am utterly and truly focused that even day and night blurs into one.

Quite laughable isn’t it?

Or not only quite but utterly and hopelessly laughable.

So, do I even say I have discipline and diligence or not?

However, while in discussion with myself regarding whether I have discipline and diligence, doom scrolling wasn’t all in vain this one time around.

I came across this quote by Fyodor Dostoevsky that read- “ You sensed that you should be following a different path, a more ambitious one, you felt that you were destined for other things but you had no idea how to achieve them and in your misery you began to hate everything around you.”

Out of all quotes that could have caught my eye, this quote captured not only my attention but also every emotion I have been experiencing in the past few months.

A quote seen at night, instead of going to sleep even late at night, gave a strong wake-up call about where I stand .

As I am getting older- I have been reminiscing a lot. By the way I am in my late twenties touching that three and leaving two behind very soon. From twenties to thirties- starting a new decade of life in a short year or two sounds scary.

Hah, I know, I know- it’s not too old but I ain’t getting any younger anyway. So sometimes, this reality makes me question myself and my worth a little here and there.

I used to be the younger one when I meet people in a group before, now I am the older one.

Beyond any comparison, just seeing youngsters around me achieving what I am striving to achieve, made me question myself more than I would love myself to police around.

But, this time around this policing was a necessary advancement I needed from myself.

And this single quote came at the right time- not sooner and not later.

Having accepted the fact that life happens, I am who I am today due to many clusters of circumstances shaping and guiding me. I don’t regret for being a little behind in achieving everything I have been deeming to achieve since young.

But, the ambitious side of mine also won’t let go of an urge to live the life I have been dreaming about as soon as possible.

A sense of discontent and dissatisfaction was born when expectation didn’t meet reality. And this has been proving to be detrimental to the life I have now.

So when I saw this quote, my first thought was, did the algorithm read my mind?

“How come I am seeing something that seems to provide me with a clarity that I was lacking henceforth.”

I am at this threshold.

Not young.

Not old either.

I am somewhere in between thinking I know everything and doubting everything.

There was a need for self reflection to channel a way to balance out emotions within myself.

So, this quote became a catalyst.

It provided the right amount of action my brain required to have a proper reaction to the confusions I have been having lately.

Self awareness- I ain’t not disciplined, rather it has been misdirected.

And this awareness is frustrating.

Cause I know that the awareness alone hasn’t translated into an action.

So as a timely helpline- this quote itself gave a clear direction.

“Let me stop pretending I don’t see what’s happening.”

I am seeing myself, my flaws. I am not proud of it.

But I am not lying to myself anymore either.

Now at the age where I am- Just aware enough that the gap between who I am and who I could be feels louder.

So with this redirection- all that I need is to recalibrate myself.

It not to do everything and get it all done.

It’s learning-endurance.

Learning to keep going even when I feel like I am not seeing any instant result.

Become well rooted like a bamboo tree- cultivate first and then grow exponentially.

On the way to becoming.