Need to Boost Your Sales Numbers? Introducing: Unclench, the Corporate Workshop

Hey, corporate losers!

Does your sales team have a chronic stick up its collective butt?

Are you losing leads because your team is full of ugly creeps?

Have you tried other corporate workshops before, only to watch your team go back to their boring ways the very next day?

Are you tired of lame trainings by fake “gurus” who promise to revitalize your sales force by running an “Unf*ck Yourself” book club?

Good news: a real genius (me) has finally brought you the solution you’ve been waiting for.

Get ready for an all-new approach to revitalizing your sales force:

The “Unclench” Workshop

In this full day training, your team will get down and dirty until those cheeks are finally loosened up enough to be likable.

During Unclench’s full day workshop, your sales team will:

-Identify everything they’ve been doing to totally screw up your business

-Realize that their unbearably boring presence has been the reason why they’re not only failing to close deals, but also failing to get Tinder matches.

-Get on their hands and knees before me

-Learn about how crystals can be used to enhance traditional sales strategies

-Realize that their parents were never withholding love at all; all this time, they’ve been closing themselves off from receiving that love.

-Realize that their parents are still mad at them for screwing up the oboe solo in that one high school band concert. Really? After all those private lessons? Maybe you could have practiced a bit, instead of playing video games all day.

-Face various other emotional demons while I laugh at them

But wait, there’s more! Each member of your sales team will also:

-Learn to use a fire extinguisher safely

-Learn to use a fire extinguisher to liven up a sales pitch

-Learn which eyeshadow palettes promote trust between salespeople and potential customers (Remember GIK: Glitter Is Key)

-Throw grapes into my mouth from across the conference room

-Gain an understanding of their spiritual journey, also while I laugh at them

-Braid my hair for one hour

In addition to mastering those fundamental skills, your team will also:

-Understand SALT = Sales Always Loves Trust.

-Understand the symbolism of the Magic Conch episode of Spongebob Squarepants

-Learn how to make a really cool flower crown

-Learn how to sell while blindfolded (which promotes trust and vulnerability)

-Learn how to apply other handy BDSM principles to boost those lagging sales figures

-Help me pick an outfit for my upcoming dates with their fathers

-Connect with their inner child and finally apologize for bullying me in the third grade

-Understand BROCCOLI: Best Reason Of Calling Comes Over Last Inside (copyright pending, do NOT steal)

For a limited time only, Unclench includes bonus trainings in which your sales force will:

-Learn how to strategically cartwheel into success

-Learn how to code (maybe)

-Understand how to distinguish between Coke and Diet Coke in a blind taste test (definitely)

-Learn how to make a really cool collage

-Gain the courage to go anywhere except Great Clips for their next haircut

-Understand that they’re doomed to fail in sales if they have Scorpio in their astrological birth charts

-Come to terms with their little “incident” during their freshman year of college

-Come to terms with their, ahem, larger incident during their senior year of college

Sign your sales force up for Unclench: Premium, and your soon to be unstoppable sales team will:

-Learn how to choose a bottle of wine at the grocery store

-Learn how to rotate text in Microsoft Paint

-Become inspired to be nice to their girlfriends. Maybe even take her out for once.

-Gain a thorough understanding of why they should follow me on Instagram

-Dissolve their 401K in favor of investing their life savings in DogeCoin

-Become inspired to finally quit their boring, dead-end jobs at your company to pursue the discovery of their authentic selves.

Yeah, this isn’t your rich daddy’s corporate workshop.

You better believe it: Once your sales force applies the essential skills taught in Unclench and nowhere else, your leads will convert to juicy sales with ease.

Don’t Delay; Empower Your Sales Team to Unclench TODAY!